Have you ever spent years in a relationship and suddenly realized you were living for the other person instead of yourself? Even though you should be working toward a common goal in a partnership, it’s important to maintain your individual identities.

Instead of caving into the monotony of routine, live each day intentionally. Showing up for yourself means prioritizing yourself as the individual while making time for joy and pleasure with your partner.

1. Keep your own interests

It’s easy to get caught up in living the same way your partner does. After all, you’re probably spending so much of your days together that they become a blur. You share part of your routines. But if you don’t carve out space for your own passions, you’ll look up one day and realize you haven’t put effort into yourself.

What did you do before getting together with your partner? Keep your connection to the things you once loved doing. And if you can, each day do something that brings you joy. It could be as small as having a nice bar of chocolate or reading your favorite magazine. Taking any time for yourself contributes to your self-care.

2. Prioritize sex and intimacy

If you’re in a long-term relationship, you and your partner have probably figured out your sexual groove. But to really show up for yourself, sex and intimacy shouldn’t be an afterthought or a routine. When you treat sex like a new opportunity to be closer to your partner, you’re living with intentionality.

If you’re used to sex at a consistent time, try building anticipation again. Don’t just leave time for intimacy at the end of the night. If you initiate sex in the same way, switch it up. These might be simple changes, but they can open the possibilities for new ways of thinking about and taking pleasure in your sex life.

3. Set appropriate boundaries

Putting your own needs first might feel selfish, especially if you’re used to people ignoring your boundaries. It’s important that you learn how and when to say no and put your foot down. Does your partner invite themselves along to all your hangouts, and you wish they wouldn’t?

Talk with them about your personal boundary and why you want to have an independent social life. Healthy relationships are built on strong boundaries. If your partner insists on walking over them, you’ll need to have a conversation about what boundaries mean for both of you.

4. Practice gratitude

When you take the time to be thankful for your simple, daily joys, you’re living more mindfully in the moment. Let your partner know you appreciate them when they do that chore you hate doing or pick up your favorite snack from the grocery. But just as importantly, practice gratitude toward yourself.

Find a daily mantra you can repeat to yourself each day or write at the top of your journal. Be patient, kind, and forgiving of yourself.

Should you be concerned?

If you’re struggling to disentangle your identity from your partner’s, or if they discourage when you try to show up for yourself, you might need to talk to someone. A healthy relationship involves setting boundaries, communicating effectively, and being your own person.

Your partner should not resent you for individuating yourself and taking pleasure in your daily activities. Talking to a therapist can help you determine what you value in your relationship and yourself. If you just want to work on yourself, individual sessions could be right for you. But if your relationship could use a tune-up, consider couples counseling with your partner.

To find out more about how therapy can help you show up for yourself no matter what, please reach out to us for help through marriage counseling.