Good relationships are built on healthy communication. Often, conflict arises when we aren’t communicating effectively. It’s important to learn how to say what you need to say to your partner without being accusative or demanding.

Also, it’s equally important to learn how to listen. If you’re feeling stuck in your relationship, you might not be able to see past your communication barriers.

Here are four tips for getting better at communicating as a couple.

1. Be honest

Withholding information from your partner creates a barrier. Don’t expect them to be able to read your mind and don’t try to do the same to them. Be open about your emotions. If you’re talking through a conflict, don’t be afraid to say what you need from them.

When you begin working through a particular issue, it can be productive to start with your goals. For example, if you’re rethinking how to separate childcare responsibilities, be honest about how you’d like to be accommodated. Maybe your job is demanding in the evenings, so it would be best if the other person focused on helping your child with their homework. This also means rethinking about arguments between you as not something to “win,” but a challenge to overcome together.

2. Use “I” statements

Part of being honest means articulating your feelings. Always refer back to yourself. That way, you can avoid accusing your partner, which will most likely put them on the defensive. Say you’re both frustrated with how the housework should be divvied up. You feel you’re taking on more, while your partner feels too overwhelmed by work to be completely present at home.

Rather than saying, “You never do any chores and you leave them all for me,” try saying, “I feel that our house is only managed on my end even though it’s both our space.”

3. Pay attention to body language

It’s important to know when a conversation should continue at another time. Sometimes, people signal discomfort in less obvious ways than crying. Watch for other signs from your partner, like not maintaining eye contact, sighing, or fidgeting.

It’s okay (and encouraged) to pause the conversation for a day or two. It can be best to take time to think the situation through and approach your conflict from another vantage point.

4. Make time to talk

If you find yourself avoiding talking about important issues, take this opportunity to schedule your discussions. Even if it feels awkward at first, you’ll avoid arguments that blow up and quickly lose control. Choose the proper setting.

For example, you might not want to have a conversation about taking a new job while staying at your in-laws’ house. You can also bring this practice to everyday communication. Maybe during the week, you both spend more time discussing surface-level issues and making small talk.

If so, take time on the weekend to deconstruct with one another. Go on a date night and give yourselves room to have deeper conversations. That way, you can maintain this open channel of communication without feeling overwhelmed.

Should you seek couples counseling?

Good communication takes a lot of work. It doesn’t come easy for everyone, and our culture sometimes glamorizes unhealthy communication tactics. Talk with your partner about practicing these tips next time you’re in a conflict or feeling in a rut.

Eventually, you may want to seek professional help. It can be helpful to work out communication issues with a therapist to guide you both. Often, they’ll give you more personalized strategies that you can practice together at home. If you feel you would both benefit from couples counseling to improve your communication, please reach out to me.