Scientific studies are continuing to show us that our pasts affect how we respond to the world. If we have unresolved trauma, we retreat into patterns of behavior that make us feel safe.

You might be thinking that your anger, at this moment, is governed only by the situation at hand. In reality, the picture is more complicated. Those who struggle with controlling their anger also inevitably struggle with their relationships.

Understanding your history is key to letting go of your anger and communicating with your partner.

What is anger?

Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning there is always an underlying emotion that precedes it. It’s a defense mechanism. If you’re feeling belittled by a partner to avoid dealing with that emotion, you get angry.

If your parents embarrass you in front of your partner, you might turn to anger to avoid showing shame. Anger helps you avoid coming to terms with personal responsibility or introspection. Instead, you project that onto others and the underlying anger-triggering emotion remains.

When you develop a habit of getting angry at small provocations, you’re doing your mental and physical health a disservice. People who struggle with anger have increased blood pressure, headaches, weakened immune systems, and anxiety. It’s easy to let anger become your default response—it makes you feel empowered in the moment. But to truly let go of your anger, you need to understand what’s fueling it.

How childhood affects anger

If you grew up in an emotionally repressed family, showing emotional reactions probably wasn’t allowed. Those emotions stay trapped inside you until you’re on your own and it's finally appropriate for you to have emotional responses. What can happen is explosive, outsized reactions to things that feel appropriate to you but inappropriate to everyone else.

But if you come from an emotionally permissive family, you’re probably more comfortable with your anger. Maybe it was even celebrated, depending on your family’s adherence to traditional gender roles. Now, you see your short fuse as a part of who you are. You might even look at those who don’t put up with your anger as the problem.

How trauma affects anger

You may have experienced trauma at any point in your personal history. Getting angry might have been a way to protect yourself. When you have a stress response, the entire body is primed to fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

Anger can become part of this automatic response to an extreme threat. When this trauma goes unresolved, that anger response can still be activated at a hair trigger. Where it was once useful to protect yourself, that outsized emotional response damages your current relationships.

How can you communicate with your partner?

The most important step in addressing your anger effectively is understanding what’s underneath. Instead of letting that anger overwhelm you, do the work ahead of time to acknowledge your history.

Understand your underlying emotion

If your partner criticizes the way you load the dishwasher and that sends you into a rage, maybe it’s because your mother never told you what you did right.

Before you react, take a step back and ask yourself why you immediately had that response. Keep asking: why did this make me angry? Eventually, you’ll learn the anger was your way of avoiding another uncomfortable feeling.

Talk about your triggers

Communicate with your partner before an anger-triggering event. Let them know what underlying historical issues might be fueling your anger response. Be honest with them—together you can come up with ways to defuse the situation and talk you through your emotions.

Seek therapy

The best way to address your history is with a therapist. A mental health professional can help you work through your past, anger management techniques, and learn to communicate in healthy ways.

To learn more about how couples and marriage counseling can help you address your history, please reach out to me.