We often think of conflict as a base negative, but this is a huge misunderstanding. There is unhealthy conflict. But conflict can be healthy, too. It’s a sign of trust and communication in relationships. You might have heard couples brag about never fighting. The fact is, this is a major red flag.

Fights and screaming aren’t great ways to communicate. Conflict doesn’t innately involve this behavior, though. Healthy conflict involves owning your mistakes. It means understanding how your actions affect your relationships and figuring out how to overcome differences.

Let’s look at what conflict actually is and how it’s healthy in relationships.

What Is Conflict?

The textbook definition of a conflict is “a serious disagreement or argument.” Notice that it doesn’t call it a fight. It’s a clash between individuals that arises because of their differences. These differences are typically about processes, attitudes, understandings, interests, and perceptions. There are ways you can handle conflict resolution to gain a fair understanding and compromise.

One trick of conflict resolution is to know when and how to approach it. If someone is in a highly emotional state, they will not be receptive to a resolution. It’s important to approach conflict with a calm and logical perspective. This is the time when you’re going to do the most good.

How Conflict Is Healthy

There’s a staggering amount of research in communication that focuses on conflict. It’s an important and unavoidable part of being human. This research helped us figure out how conflict can be healthy for our relationships. Here are some conclusions the psychological community has come to:

Conflict creates change.

If you’re disagreeing with someone, it’s usually a signal that something needs to change. Remember all the reasons we talked about conflicts arising? Attitudes, processes, etc.

If you’re facing a challenge in one of these areas, it leads to conflict, and you can use this flag to initiate change. This is especially helpful in romantic and family relationships. One example is a family with a teenage child. The family is likely used to a certain method of doing things with their child. As the child enters the teen years, these expectations have to change.

It might start with an argument about curfew. Let’s say the child’s curfew is 7 p.m. and has been since they were in middle school. Since they're growing and their methods of socialization are too, this conflict represents a need for change. With healthy conflict resolution tactics, the teen and their parents can compromise on a more fair curfew.

Conflict shows independence.

Not having any conflict in a relationship can be a red flag for codependency. When two people have independent lives, conflict is inevitable. Let’s examine a situation where spouses share a vehicle. This creates a space for interdependency. The two must coordinate with one another, sometimes through conflict, in order to better serve both of them.

Sometimes this results in one of them needing to re-prioritize their activities. They may need to discuss a change in schedule. Fighting and shouting won’t resolve anything. But they can use conflict resolution skills to create a solution that helps both of them. Even if it isn’t ideal, they can still work on it together as a team.

Conflict breeds communication.

If you’re going to compromise with someone, you’re going to have to talk to them about it. Communication and relationships are nearly synonymous. You can’t have a relationship without communication, and you can’t have communication without a relationship. The two are intertwined.

Whenever you argue with a spouse or a friend or family member, it’s not bad. It’s you communicating about something you need to resolve. Using your words and “I statements” you can create change and strengthen your bonds. These tactics can be challenging. I can help you strengthen these skills and your relationships. Contact me today to learn how.