Not all affairs have to be physical. While we might think of infidelity as needing to have a sexual element, sometimes what we think are normal friendships actually cross boundaries.

We might not even realize it’s happening. Depending on the terms of a monogamous relationship, an inappropriate outside relationship can be defined by one or both partners as cheating. So how far is too far?

What is emotional infidelity?

An emotional affair is when a platonic relationship takes over a primary relationship but doesn’t involve sex. While it’s normal to talk (and even vent) about your romantic relationship with friends, an emotional affair crosses the line.

Often, emotional affairs evolve from platonic friendships. This type of infidelity involves deep feelings, secrecy, flirting, and intimacy, under the guise of no sexual contact. If you find yourself relying on someone else for excitement, deep conversation, and connection, you might be having an emotional affair.

Two examples of emotional infidelity

Example 1

Anne and her husband have been experiencing difficulties with communication. He goes to work, comes home, watches television, and goes to sleep. She’s feeling unfulfilled—they haven’t done anything new or exciting together in months.

Jeff is the new guy in her office. He’s charming, and they quickly bond in the elevator over their shared annoyances. They exchange numbers. Over the next few weeks, they go from exchanging pleasantries to having deep conversations. They each tell secrets about their relationships.

Eventually, there’s a sexual edge to their texts. Anne finds herself lying about how much she texts Jeff, and she resents her husband for even asking her about it. Anne is having an emotional affair.

Example 2

Chris and Sara have a tumultuous, high conflict relationship. When they break up, they keep in limited contact. After Chris starts dating Taylor, Sara ramps up her communication with him. After a few weeks, they talk about how Taylor falls short and can’t meet Chris’s needs emotionally and sexually.

Sara brings up how good she and Chris were together. Chris buys Sara personalized birthday gifts and lies to Taylor about how much they text. He fantasizes about having Sara at home with him instead of Taylor. Taylor feels insecure and argues with Chris about how much he’s in contact with Sara. Chris is having an emotional affair.

What should you do?

If you feel you or your partner are engaging in emotional infidelity, the first step is being honest. By being open about your emotions, you can begin to understand why the affair happened in the first place.

The second step is demoting the affair partner. While it might seem like they’re “just a friend,” it’s crucial to listen to your primary partner’s wants and needs. Prioritize them, and then you can start to effectively communicate. Self-reflect on your relationship and the reasons it’s worth fighting for.

Should you seek couples counseling?

If you feel you or your partner are engaged in an emotional affair, it might be time to seek counseling. Couples counseling can help you mediate these conversations between you and your partner in a neutral location.

A therapist can also ask the right questions to get to the bottom of why the emotional infidelity happened in the first place. Breaking up because of any infidelity carries a bias: we only hear about the couples that break up after an affair. It’s not unheard of for couples to recover and develop a stronger connection after infidelity. Usually, this can only happen through therapy.

To find out more about how individual therapy and marriage counseling can help you work through emotional infidelity, please reach out to us.