Even when there’s no sex involved, an emotional affair is still a transgression. Many people say they would be more upset if their partner emotionally cheated than if they just had sex with someone else. The discovery of an emotional affair leads to both partners suffering in different ways. While the betrayed partner can feel anxious, depressed, blindsided, or angry, the betrayer also feels despair, shame, and guilt. In particular, men who are suffering from depression are more at risk of falling into an emotional infidelity.

What is an emotional affair?

Emotional infidelity happens when a platonic friendship crosses intimate boundaries. While the two people never actually have sex, the friendship is marked by secrecy, deception, and neglect of the primary partner. During an emotional affair, the betrayer looks forward to seeing the other person more than their partner. They invest more time and energy into them than is appropriate while in a monogamous relationship.

How is male depression connected?

Let’s say you have untreated depression. You’re feeling hopeless and find no joy in doing what you once loved. Every day feels like an endless painful routine. You don’t feel supported by your partner because you continuously argue about your mood. You might not be sure how to talk openly about your emotions. You aren’t even sure you deserve to be in a relationship. Then one day a coworker complains about the latest fight with her husband. You listen, nod, and offer a bit of advice. She touches your hand and tells you what a great listener you are. This praise gives you a jolt of pleasure.

Over time, you and the coworker take lunches together and continue talking about your marriages in depth. You begin to tell her things you’d never tell your wife, including your depression. You buy one another birthday gifts that are opened in private. You’re deleting texts from her so your wife won’t read them. You haven’t had sex, but you’d never tell your wife about the compliments you’re giving to your coworker. The secrecy and flirty tension is exhilarating, and you’ve felt your mood careen between highs and lows over the last few weeks. You feel anxious at the thought of your wife finding out about the friendship, you feel terrible about yourself for hurting her in this way, but you also feel like a new man living a new and better life.

So what’s actually going on?

Men with depression feel likely hopeless, worthless, and a diminished pleasure and interest in life. Affairs, both emotional and sexual, can be a way of self-medicating. To combat the effects of low serotonin, the brain looks for ways to boost it. An emotional connection with a new person is a surefire way to increase euphoria and happiness. Rather than turning to medication, a depressed person might use an affair as a replacement. But this is an unsustainable activity. It comes at the cost of the primary relationship and harms everyone involved.

When should you get therapy?

If you’re feeling depressed, you should seek professional help. You may want to see a psychiatrist who can prescribe the appropriate medications to get your mood back on track. A licensed therapist can work with you on behavioral therapies to give you the skills to cope with negative moods and emotions, and perhaps deal with unresolved traumas.

If you and your partner are working through the aftermath of an emotional affair, you may want to seek couple’s counseling. Through mediated discussions in a therapist’s office, you and your partner can relearn to communicate openly and honestly with one another. You may also discover, through counseling together, whether you want to continue your relationship after the fact of the emotional affair.

To find out more about how both individual and couple’s therapy can help you navigate emotional infidelity, communication, and relationships, please reach out to us for depression treatment.