Personal boundaries are something that feels scary to us at first. They involve digging into our core beliefs and values. They take work, and it means sometimes making other people unhappy to protect your own happiness. We live in a people-pleaser world, so this can be a challenge for many of us. 

Lacking personal boundaries can lead to exhaustion, depression, anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness. The hard truth is, we can’t please everyone. There’s value in not trying to please everyone. And in the worst-case scenarios, lacking boundaries opens you up to harm from others.

How Can You Tell It’s Time to Set a Boundary?

There are several signs that you might need personal boundaries. Many of them are obvious but not acknowledged. This usually shows up as stress, constantly feeling drained, isolating yourself, or avoiding people because you’re afraid they’ll ask you for something.

Other more pronounced signals include:

Drama in Relationships

The fewer boundaries you have, the more you’re signaling to others that you lack independence. This opens you up to attracting people who want a sense of control. Their ideal target might be you. You may also feel you lack a sense of power and rarely stand up for yourself.

These behaviors often lead to codependent relationships. It can also lead to friendships that are not equal with their give and take. All of this can culminate in a variety of conflicts and increase the drama in your life. 

Letting People Down Feels Terrible

Part of lacking boundaries is feeling like you have to please everyone. We’ve already established this simply isn’t a possibility. Often by pleasing one person, you’re displeasing another. People without personal boundaries tend to just coast with other people’s plans to avoid conflict. 

If you’re constantly saying yes, even if you don’t want to, this can be a sign you need to set boundaries. You might worry constantly about letting someone down. If you get backed into a corner and have to say no, you might experience feelings of extreme guilt. 

Low Energy

While low energy can have many causes, people-pleasing is high on the list. Always doing for others and never doing for yourself leaves you with an empty cup. If you have an empty cup because you’re not taking care of yourself, it makes it harder to show up for other people. 

There’s a sense of satisfaction you might be lacking. This can be because you’re always helping others achieve their goals but never pursuing yours. You might even develop mild depression and start feeling like you’re worthless. 

Fear of Abandonment or Rejection

At its core, people-pleasing behavior usually comes down to two major factors. You are afraid of being rejected, or you are afraid of being abandoned. Maybe while you were growing up, you had a caregiver who was overly critical. Perhaps you had someone very important in your life leave you. 

These are valid emotions, but people-pleasing won’t fix them. Always doing what others want because you’re afraid of being rejected just perpetuates this toxic pattern. Neglecting your own wants and needs because you’re afraid someone will leave does the same thing. 

How to Set Boundaries

If you fear setting boundaries, you can seek the help of a therapist. We can help talk you through some ways you can communicate your boundaries respectfully. A way that is respectful to both you and your loved ones. Other tips are:

• Voice Your Needs: This can take some time and introspection, but you need to understand what you need and verbalize it. Remember that no one is a mind reader.

• Understand the Relationship: What’s appropriate for your family and what’s appropriate for your work-life are different. It’s okay to honor that.

• Practice: Speaking a boundary once won’t be enough. You’ll have to repeat yourself, and you’ll need the practice to make improvements.

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