If you have an emotionally distant partner, you’re probably feeling stuck, frustrated, and unheard. After all, your needs deserve to be met just as much as theirs. But immediately blaming your partner isn’t the way to fix things. Accusations can actually increase the emotional distance between you. Instead, try these tips for connecting with your emotionally unavailable partner.

What does it mean to be emotionally distant?

An emotionally distant partner can be difficult to connect with. They tend to be unaware of or closed off to feelings. Your partner may be unavailable or emotionally distant if they:

• find ways to avoid serious conversations

• feel uncomfortable talking about feelings

• are consistently defensive during a conflict

• minimize your feelings/experiences

• are inconsistent in how they communicate

Use I-statements

When discussing your needs, use I-statements to convey your emotions without making your partner feel attacked or blamed. Using person-focused I-statements helps you avoid accusatory language. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always distant,” try saying, “I’ve noticed there’ve been times when we haven’t connected as deeply as before.” This opens the dialogue instead of closing it off by blaming your partner. You’re inviting them to feel empathetic about your needs.

Practice active listening

Effective communication doesn’t just mean expressing yourself. You need to also show your partner you’re invested in hearing them. Give them the opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings without interruption. Ask clarifying questions and summarize what they’ve said to ensure you understand their perspective correctly. By active listening, you’re encouraging a more respectful, open dialogue.

Focus on positive outcomes

Frame conversations about your needs around the positive changes you hope to achieve as a couple. Explain that your intention is to strengthen the relationship and improve both of your emotional security. For example, talk about specific things you can do together when you’re more emotionally connected. This approach helps your partner see that your goal is mutual growth.

Ask for collaboration

Approach these conversations as a team working together to find solutions. Ask your partner how they envision bridging the emotional gap to meet each other’s needs. By involving them in the problem-solving process, you both can take ownership of the relationship’s evolution. This also makes these discussions less one-sided, which can quickly shift into an accuser and deflector dynamic.

Avoid using ultimatums (too often)

While it's important to express your needs, avoid giving ultimatums that could strain the relationship further. Ultimatums can become weaponized, leading to a toxic relationship environment.

Instead of saying, “If you don’t change, I can’t stay in this relationship,” try saying, “I believe we can work through this together, but it requires effort from both of us.” That being said, make sure your partner knows your hard boundaries and dealbreakers. As long as there’s effective communication around relationship expectations (especially early on), it’s fine to have specific ultimatums that don’t become weaponized during arguments.

Be empathetic and understanding

Changing patterns of emotional distance takes time and effort. Remember, your partner’s emotional distance might be rooted in their own struggles and past experiences. As you express your needs, approach these conversations with empathy and a genuine desire to understand their perspective.

Be patient with them as they work towards being more emotionally available to you. Celebrate their small improvements. When you’re committed to showing empathy and understanding, they’re more likely to view you as a safe space where they can be more honest about their feelings.

Talk to a therapist together

In couples therapy, you’ll learn effective, respectful ways of communicating. Your therapist can help you examine your conflicts and offer support as you search for solutions. Your partner may also find the safe space of the therapy sessions to be a good place to open up emotionally.

To learn more about how marriage counseling can help you express your needs to your partner, please reach out to us.