Intimacy is a key component of a healthy relationship. It’s important to share feelings, participate in activities you enjoy together, bounce ideas off each other, and feel sexually close. A fear of intimacy can be incredibly damaging to your relationships. Communication feels one-sided and neither of you forms a secure attachment to one another.

Solving the issue takes time, but if you embark on developing intimacy with your partner, you’ll find you feel closer than ever.

What defines intimacy?

Real intimacy with your partner involves:

• knowing and accepting one another

• being vulnerable with each other

• trusting each other

• showing gratitude and honor toward one another

All these components come together in a healthy partnership to develop a deep connection. Without them, a relationship is usually surface-level, unfulfilling, and short-lived. You may be struggling with emotional intimacy, physical/sexual intimacy, or both.

For many people, emotional intimacy is more difficult than physical intimacy. Your struggles with intimacy might come from insecure attachments with your caregivers in childhood, past heartbreaks, and low self-esteem. These past experiences can lead to a fear of rejection and an expectation that none of your relationships will last. This can create a self-fulfilling prophecy: by entering a relationship telling yourself it won’t work, you close yourself off to intimacy and sabotage the relationship.

Struggling with intimacy can also be a defense mechanism. Because you’ve been hurt in the past, avoiding getting too close to someone means you protect yourself and your emotions.

Signs you’re struggling with intimacy

If you’re having trouble opening yourself up to intimacy, you may:

• have trust issues

• get angry at your partner

• have trouble committing to your partner

• avoid telling your partner details about yourself

• make excuses for not getting close to your partner

• fear being “trapped” in a relationship

• worry about abandonment

• be a perfectionist and/or workaholic

• feel you’re unable to be loved

Tips for opening up

Examine your history

Your childhood and experiences with past relationships can be a factor in how you perceive intimacy. Consider journaling or meditating to reflect on your past and how it’s influencing your current relationship. Challenge your preconceived notions about intimacy. If something isn’t working for you right now, try doing it a different way.

Take care of yourself

Before you can be intimate with others, you need to be intimate with yourself. Take time to relax and cope with your stress in a healthy way. Get in touch with sensations you like—discover new foods, take long baths, explore your body through intentional exercise. When you become more mindful and live in the moment through your body, your mind is more ready to do the same with someone else.

Be curious about your partner

Opening up to intimacy isn’t just about focusing on yourself. You need to work on the connection you have with your partner, which means giving and taking. Ask your partner questions. Engage with them through active listening. When you take the time to learn more about the person you love, you’ll find things you have in common. Exploring that common ground will make you feel less pressured, meaning you’ll ease into intimacy.

Are your relationships suffering?

If you consistently struggle with opening up to romantic partners, you may have a pattern of emotional and physical unavailability. It might be time to dig deeper into your childhood, emotional responses, and thoughts about the world with a therapist. In therapy, you’ll learn more about your attachment style and healthier ways of approaching relationships. Your therapist will work with you on better communication techniques to get closer with your partner.

To find out more about how marriage counseling can help you open up to intimacy, please reach out to us.