We all have that friend who dates the same type of person over and over. Maybe she’s always going after emotionally unavailable men. Or he keeps getting his heart broken by domineering women. It’s easy to pinpoint these behaviors in people around us, but it’s much harder to look inward and make a change.

If you’ve been feeling down about your relationship prospects because it seems like you’re getting into the same trouble again and again, it’s time to take a step back. By thinking carefully about yourself, what matters most to you, and what you want out of a relationship, you can start to break out of your destructive behaviors and find the right match.

Recognize your patterns

It’s one thing to vaguely feel like you’ve been dating the same people over and over. It’s another thing entirely to know in precise detail the behavior patterns, situations, and character traits that continuously spell tragedy.

Take a look at both your past romantic relationships and your childhood upbringing. Did you have a distant father, and you keep dating men who don’t make you a priority? Was your mother overbearing, and now the women in your life cross your boundaries? Is there a common thread between all your unfaithful partners?

Your past experiences impact the choices you make today, sometimes without your awareness. By learning what these experiences are, you have more control over your behavior and emotions afterward.

Take responsibility for your mistakes

To stop making the same mistakes, you need to be ready to change. You’re ultimately the architect of your life. It’s a humbling exercise, but you need to admit to yourself that you’ve chosen people who upset and hurt you.

Feeling defeated about this won’t get you anywhere, so keep a positive mind. Accepting that you’re making a change and going beyond thinking into action is a huge step in the right direction. It’s important to remember that your actions are the only thing you can control.

Even though your partners haven’t worked in the past, it’s you who can choose not to be with people like them again. You’re capable of doing the right thing.

Know (and adjust) your expectations

Getting into a relationship without knowing what you want can pose some problems. A partnership should be about creating something new together. Are you looking for someone with the same interests, career, and background as you? Or would you rather be with someone who complements your lifestyle rather than matching it?

Think carefully about what’s important to you. Weigh this against what hasn’t worked for you in the past. Feel secure in your values. But be wary of creating a standard no one can meet. It’s important to know the difference between healthy dealbreakers and unrealistic expectations.

Remember: there’s no such thing as the perfect soulmate. Relationships take work, compromise, and adjustment, and that’s okay!

Take time to explore yourself

As you go on this inner journey, take time before rushing into another relationship. Let go of your prior assumptions and get to know yourself better. This might mean getting more into your hobbies, going on a new adventure, or deepening your meditative practices.

This could also look like talking to a therapist. If you’re struggling to make sense of your behavior patterns, a therapist could help.  Psychotherapy can deepen your understanding of your emotions and how they’re influenced by your past. Therapy can also help you learn how to better communicate and be a supportive partner in the future.

To learn more about how marriage counseling can help you avoid making the same relationship mistakes, please reach out.