Sexual compatibility is a top issue with couples. Contrary to pop cultural belief, matching your libido to your partner’s isn’t always automatic or easy. In long-term relationships, sexual frequency can become an unspoken problem that affects all other conflicts.

When it comes to sex, having the conversation early and often is key to keeping you both happy and satisfied.

Have the conversation

The only way to tell your partner that you want your sex life to change is to actually talk to them about it. Talking about sex can feel awkward and scary, but it’s important to have the conversation. If you leave the issue too long, your resentment will build. Don’t be afraid to bring up sex with your partner and make sure to do it kindly.

If your libido is higher and you’d like to have sex more often, let them know how much that connection means to you. If you want it less frequently, be sure to frame it in a way that tells them you love the intimacy but would like a compromise because your sex drive is simply lower.

Use I-centered language

Approach this conversation through your own experiences and feelings. Rather than accusing your partner (“You want sex too much!” “You’re never in the mood!” “We never connect sexually!”), try reframing your thoughts through the first person. Focus on your emotions. Try saying things like “I’d love to feel more intimate with you by setting aside more time to have sex each week,” or “I’m not feeling much of a sex drive lately, but I’d still like to feel connected to you.”

When you talk this way, you avoid putting your partner on the defensive and they’re more likely to be receptive. It also allows you to be specific about what you want.

Talk about the positives

Another way you can invite your partner to open up is to say what you already like about your sex life. Let them know what is working and what you’d like to see more. By saying these affirming statements aloud, you’re grounding your conversation in specifics and articulating yourself clearly.

Ask questions

Healthy couples use discussions and conflict as an opportunity to come to a productive solution. A huge part of that is asking each other questions about what you’d like to see happen after the conversation ends.

Ask about their preferences—they could be about frequency, time of day, trying new things, or ways to feel more intimate with you (even outside of sex). Be open-minded. Use this space to learn more about one another’s desires. That way, you avoid sounding critical and accusatory.

Actively listen

All of this talking means nothing if you don’t take what they say into account. If they’ve told you they want more cuddles in the morning and you ignore them until after you’ve had your coffee, you’re showing them you don’t care about their needs as much as your own. If they set a boundary and you cross it, that’s even more detrimental to your relationship.

As you ask questions and talk about your feelings, make sure they’re being heard, too.

Consent is still key

No one owes anyone sex. It’s okay to say no to persistent badgering, and it’s important you don’t expect sex from your partner. In long-term relationships, consent is still the number one rule to abide by in the bedroom.

Can sex therapy help?

Sex drives fluctuate all the time. They can be affected by stress, hormones, age, raising children, and anything else that might preoccupy your mind. But if you’re finding sex to be an issue you can’t resolve, talking to someone together might help. A therapist can help you find ways to communicate and reconnect intimately with each other.

To learn more about how therapy can help you talk to your partner about sex, please reach out to us for marriage or couples counseling.