Romantic getaways and picturesque holiday vacations sound like the perfect time to connect with your partner. But our ideas about that perfect vacation don’t always come true. Sometimes we find ways to mess things up when they’re going well as a form of self-sabotage.

Sometimes the pressure to have fun can undermine the experience. But also, you and your partner may actually be building resentment during your time together. That resentment can explode into an unhealthy fight after you get back. Here are a few reasons why you and your partner might have relationship problems after a vacation.

Unequal division of labor

At home, when one person does all the housework and daily schedule planning, it’s a recipe for disaster. One person feels like they’re putting all the emotional, invisible labor into the household while the other gets to sit back and relax. That same dynamic can play out during a vacation together.

Even on an all-expenses-paid trip or on a visit to family out of town, there are logistical items to consider. When that planning feels one-sided, each time the schedule has to be explained is another potential argument. Try putting equal effort into your plans or divvy them up according to who is better at what.

Different ideas about how your time should be spent

The concept of a vacation looks different to everybody. One person might want to relax on the beach and get a suntan, while another would rather go exploring through unfamiliar city streets. If you and your partner have completely different styles of relaxing on holiday, you’ll need to find a way to compromise.

Otherwise, resentment could build up when one or neither person is really getting what they want. Try alternating activities on different days or take a few hours out of your schedule to do things apart.

Exhaustion leads to bickering

Even on the most relaxing times away, you’ll still be tired when you get home. After planning your schedule, traveling to and from your stay, budgeting, and navigating an unfamiliar place, you’ll understandably feel exhausted. Add jetlag into the mix, and you’re even more likely to have a short temper.

Give yourselves time to wind down and adjust after a vacation. If you feel a heated discussion coming, schedule it for a few days after your emotions are running high.

So is it normal to fight?

Yes, and no. It’s okay to feel frustrated, overwhelmed, and exhausted both during and after a vacation. When you and your partner aren’t at your best, you might end up fighting. Fights aren’t always a bad thing. In fact, arguing productively is the sign of a healthy relationship.

That said, pay attention to how often this happens. If you go on holiday together at least every year, and you both get into a knock-down-drag-out fight each time you get home, something isn’t working. It’s a sign that you’re engaging in patterns of behavior that are dysfunctional and aren’t communicating in a healthy way.

Try couples counseling

If you’re noticing a similar situation play out with your partner every time after a vacation, it’s time to see a therapist together. A licensed counselor can help you both get at the root of this dysfunctional dynamic so you can better understand one another’s emotions. Our feelings influence our behavior, and when you’re able to empathize with your partner, you can actively listen to them.

It’s possible you’re also struggling to communicate at other times in your lives. A therapist can examine all aspects of your relationship with you, so that you can more fully engage in a fulfilling partnership.

To learn more about how marriage counseling can help you understand arguments with your partner, please reach out..