Maybe your parents told you that “never going to bed angry” was the secret to their marriage. Or perhaps you’ve heard this age-old adage in movies, advice columns, or podcasts. At this point, you might have even dismissed it as just another relationship cliché. But does research actually back up the idea that you should never go to bed angry?

How your brain processes conflict

What “never go to bed angry” is shorthand for is “don’t leave conflicts unresolved.” Say you’re in the middle of an argument with your partner, and you decide to leave it until morning. You might be thinking it’s best to let your heated emotions cool off so you can return to your fight with a calmer head.

Your brain will try to process your conflict as you sleep. Your bad feelings associated with your partner and your situation can be stored away in long-term memory. This means those negative emotions can be harder to undo when you try making up later. You may even find that your anger has intensified overnight, which can get you even further away from resolving your conflict when you come back to it.

The saying isn’t “one size fits all”

That being said, there is still an argument for going to bed angry. If you or your partner reacts to anger by becoming impulsive or hurtful, you have a valid reason for walking away from conflict to cool off. Sometimes your heightened emotions will ease with time, and you’ll be able to approach the situation more rationally.

When couples have internalized the idea that they should absolutely never go to bed angry, they might rush to find solutions to their problems. When a solution isn’t fully thought through or leaves out key points that should be resolved, it can build resentment. Eventually someone will feel unheard in the relationship, which can lead to further conflict.

Anger is a secondary emotion

Whether you go to bed angry or you find a solution, understand that you both shouldn’t shy away from anger. It can be a valid response to problems. It’s also a secondary emotion, meaning there’s always some triggering feeling: guilt, shame, frustration, sadness, and fear, to name a few. If you leave your anger (and especially its triggering emotion) un-dealt with, it could show up in other situations and cause problems down the line. So find the practice that works best for you and your partner in resolving conflict, whether it agrees with the cliché or not.

Tips for addressing conflict in a healthy way

Communicate

Talk to your partner and ask how they feel about going to bed angry. Do they have a different communication style? Can you agree on a set of best practices and boundaries surrounding anger and conflict resolution? Are there times and places when working through conflict is best for both of you? When you approach your issues as a team, you can find a solution that works for both of you.

Take breaks from difficult discussions

For some couples, it’s better to take a breather during an argument than to set it aside completely. When you get into the practice of cooling your anger down and returning to your discussion, you’re less likely to leave conflict unresolved.

Talk to a therapist

If you and your partner are struggling with resolving conflict, anger issues, and negative emotions about your relationship, seek professional help. A couples counselor can walk you through best communication practices, how to handle stress and anger, and how to reconnect with your partner.

To find out more about how marriage counseling can help you resolve conflict, please reach out to us.