Knowing what you want from a relationship isn’t always easy. Maybe you’ve dated a string of similar people with unhappy results. Or perhaps you’ve just left a long-term relationship and haven’t yet discovered what you’re looking for. No matter your situation, each new relationship is unique. It’s important to go through the process of understanding your own needs, desires, boundaries in your next relationship.

Know who you are

Before you can get to know anybody else, you need to know yourself through and through. Take some time for self-reflection. Connect with yourself and explore your thoughts, feelings, and desires. Journaling might be a helpful tool during this process.

Ask yourself, “What do I value most in a relationship?” or “What are my non-negotiable needs?” Think about what you want your life to look like over the long term. What do you envision when you reach milestones? Getting to know your core values and life priorities will give clarity on what you genuinely desire.

Focus on your wants (to change your mindset)

It’s often easier for people to say what they don’t want out of a relationship than be specific about what they’re looking for. While it’s important to hold fast to your values, it’s better to put yourself into a positive headspace. When you reframe your thinking to one of embracing rather than pushing away, you’re inviting the right kind of people into your circles.

Keep a list of non-negotiables

Even as you should think about what you want from a partner, know your worth and your boundaries. It’s just as important to know what will definitely not work for you in a relationship. Stances on big things, like whether you want children or how you feel about religion, shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Trust your gut

Sometimes your body knows things before your brain does. If something isn’t clicking with a new person, don’t force a connection. Additionally, pay attention to how you respond to behavior you might not like.

For example, if the last few dates have gone well and then you see a new partner be uncomfortably rude to a waiter, don’t ignore how that made you feel. Even if it’s a small interaction that isn’t on your big list of deal-breakers, sometimes they can be indicators of larger incompatibility.

Embrace vulnerability

It’s hard (and sometimes awkward) to be vulnerable. But keeping up emotional walls stops true communication from happening. Let people know how you feel about them. Tell partners what you want and need from them. By being vulnerable, you invite them to stop guessing about your thoughts and feelings. They can then respond and reciprocate—and actions speak loudly!

Learn to love being alone

No one should derive their identity from their partner. When you feel secure in who you are outside a relationship, you’ll know exactly what you want from someone else. You’ll see how they’ll add to your life (and you to theirs) rather than finding someone to fill an emptiness in your life. This also helps you see when it’s best to compromise and when it’s okay to walk away.

Examine your past

Personal growth should be a continuous journey. For some people, this might involve meditation, self-care, or therapy. If you’ve struggled with relationships before, talking to a therapist can help you gain insights into your own needs, triggers, and patterns. Through therapy, you can come to understand how to be your best self inside a relationship and outside it.

To find out more about how individual or marriage or relationship counseling can help you tune into yourself, please reach out to us.