Nowadays so much of our lives exist online. As we’ve moved our jobs and social lives to the internet, our previous ideas about infidelity have changed. Cheating on your partner doesn’t always look like covert rendezvous and lying about where you are.

Online connections can lead to intense emotional bonds that cross the boundary of a monogamous relationship. Emotional infidelity can be just as damaging and trigger the same feelings of jealousy as physical cheating. Understanding online emotional affairs is the key to working through a transgression with your partner.

Defining online emotional cheating

Emotional infidelity is when someone develops a deep connection with someone outside their primary monogamous relationship. They spend time communicating with the other person to the detriment of their relationship. Sharing personal information, hopes and dreams, and having inside jokes can all be hallmarks of emotional cheating.

They also keep much of their communication with the other person a secret from their partner. The key definer of an emotional affair is the lack of sexual contact, even when there’s a lot of sexual tension. In the online space, this means their connection takes place without sexts, sending nude pictures, or engaging in cybersex.

An online emotional affair could look like:

• sending long emails detailing secrets and deep personal information

• gaming and chatting every day with the same online friend

• direct messaging with someone and keeping it a secret

Signs of emotional infidelity

You might be having an emotional affair if you:

• avoid talking about a specific person with your partner

• hide conversations you’ve had (for example, deleting emails)

• spend more time thinking about them than your partner

• talk negatively about your partner with them

• wish your partner could be more like them

• stop communicating with your partner

• obsess over your phone or laptop

• fantasize about the other person more than your partner

Coping with the aftermath

Talk through your expectations of monogamy

Each couple gets to define what they consider cheating. If someone in your relationship develops an online emotional connection, talk about the parameters of your monogamy. If you or your partner consider it cheating to message or email others, you need to explicitly lay that out. Betrayals of trust can also happen in non-monogamous relationships, depending on the boundaries you’ve set!

Communicate more

When someone is cheating (emotionally or physically), the couple’s communication breaks down. The unfaithful person usually avoids talking with their partner while the betrayed person pushes for it more. Talking openly and honestly about your feelings and motivations is the first step to moving past infidelity.

Even though it’s painful, set aside time to actively listen to one another. The unfaithful partner should be ready to give up some of their online freedoms, and the hurt partner should know when to take time for themselves.

Know when to call it quits

Infidelity is a trauma to a relationship. It’s okay if one or both of you recognize you don’t want to move past the betrayal. Talk through the underlying causes of the emotional infidelity and evaluate whether you feel moving forward together would be healthy for both of you.

Fixing your relationship

If you’re worried that you or your partner are engaging in emotional infidelity, the time to act is now. Relationships can survive a betrayal like an affair, but it takes work from both the guilty and the wronged party.

A couples or marriage therapist can help you work through the underlying cause of the infidelity and the emotional aftershocks. You’ll need to relearn how to effectively communicate, set healthy boundaries, and prioritize your relationship.

To find out more about how therapy can help you overcome online emotional infidelity, please reach out for marriage or couples counseling.