Money is one of the top issues couples fight about. In fact, it’s normal and expected that you occasionally butt heads about your finances. But for couples who argue about money often, it’s a leading cause of divorce. The key to not fighting about money is learning to talk about it openly, rationally, and with empathy.

Reasons why you could be fighting about finances

We don’t know how to talk about money in a healthy way

Money is a taboo subject. We’ve grown up hearing you should never discuss your salary with others. We don’t get counseled on how to talk about money when we join our lives to someone else’s. When we’re not practiced in discussing something, we tend to avoid it entirely. This kind of silence breeds issues—differences in lifestyle, ideas about money, and willingness to admit to spending.

You have different ideas about spending and saving

If you’re a spender, you view money as valuable for the things and experiences it allows you to have. If you’re a saver, you feel most in control by holding onto money. When two people in a relationship are on opposite ends of the spectrum, you’re more likely to argue. This can lead to hiding debt and spending. Secrecy about where money is going can create huge conflicts that can feel insurmountable.

Fights about money are often about something else

Finances are a symbol of who has the power in the relationship. When one person controls how money is spent, the other can feel resentment. Your money positions also reflect your core values. When you’re in constant conflict about who you fundamentally are, you and your partner erode intimacy, trust, and teamwork.

How to stop fighting over money

Have regular conversations

Talking about money makes it a less stressful topic. It’ll also keep you from having secret purchases and debts. When you lay everything out in the open, you can rebuild trust in one another. When you set goals together, you reframe your relationship.

Schedule budgeting sessions

If you tend to avoid or ignore money issues until they’re big problems, try setting date nights to sit down and talk about your bills. Working together on your expenses and seeing how you can put money away will be less of a chore over time. Eventually, it can even be fun!

Avoid personal accusations

It’s easy to fall back on things like “You always do X” or “You’re never Y” when you’re in an argument. This kind of absolute accusatory language creates barriers to understanding. The other person gets defensive and wants to throw insults right back. Instead, focus using “I” statements and center your emotions: “I feel this way when the money in our account is spent,” or “I’m upset I couldn’t make one purchase for myself.”

Learn to compromise

If you and your partner have opposite ideas about money, come up with ways to compromise. You’re a team—try to approach money in the same way. Get a joint account for a specific purpose and decide how to use it together.

Work on your communication through therapy

If you’ve been fighting about money for a long time, some of your bitter feelings might be hard to overcome. You might even be on the brink of divorce. A couples or marriage counselor can help you navigate the tough conversations and get back to a healthy form of communication. Depending on how intense your arguing has become, it’s best to enlist professional help.

To find out more about how marriage or couples counseling can help you and your partner communicate about finances, please reach out to us.