It’s important to know what you want from a relationship. Being confident in your principles will help you set healthy boundaries and find a partnership you both find fulfilling. Dealbreakers are one way you can communicate expectations from your partner.

What is a dealbreaker?

A dealbreaker is something you consider nonnegotiable in a relationship. These could be characteristics about your partner as well as issues you believe in. Consider what is central to your identity and how you want a potential partner to factor into it.

When should you communicate?

Bringing up dealbreakers can be tricky. Having a laundry list of expectations on the first date isn’t usually productive. Dating sites and apps can be useful for stating the things most important to you right off the bat, such as “non-smokers only” or “must love dogs.” If there are immediate points, you know will disqualify someone, it’s best to not even start dating that person.

But when it comes to a relationship longer than a few weeks or months, talking about your major dealbreakers is a must.

Common dealbreakers

Terms of monogamy

Different people define monogamy differently. Some define cheating as physical contact with a person outside the relationship while others see watching porn as a dealbreaker. Talk to your partner about the terms of your monogamous, open, or polyamorous relationship early and often. These parameters might even change over time, so they should be an ongoing conversation.

Whether you want children

With the times changing, societal expectations of raising children have waned. Many people are deciding that having kids would be too much of a financial, emotional, and social burden. Partnering with someone who has different views on this can ruin a relationship years down the line.

Religious and political views

While an atheist and a devout Christian could certainly be in a successful relationship, it would take a lot of work. Some people aren’t interested in being with someone who doesn’t see eye to eye with them about religion.

Similarly, political differences are increasingly becoming moral and ethical conflicts in America. Unless you’re both willing to have constant dialogue, this might be an area where you want a partner like you.

Money management

Financial matters can become one of the biggest tensions in a relationship. When you’re planning for your lives together, money factors heavily. If one person saves and invests while the other goes on spending sprees, that’s a recipe for separation. Be honest with one another about how you view money’s role in your lives.

Sex drive

As a relationship progresses, sex frequency can take a dive. Sex when you’re still having new relationship energy isn’t necessarily indicative of how often you’ll want to have it down the line. Be honest with your partner about your sexual expectations and whether you can reach a compromise. If you’re on opposite sides of the spectrum, your relationship is likely to feel stagnant and full of resentment.

Things to look out for

Be wary of people who might use their dealbreakers to cross boundaries and emotionally manipulate you. For example, if your partner begins saying they’ll leave you if you keep seeing your friends, that’s a sign that they’re becoming emotionally (and possibly physically) abusive.

Additionally, relationships are about compromise. If you or your partner have a list of standards that are impossible to meet and either of you won’t budge on anything, you’re more likely to have a high-conflict relationship.

Communicate through therapy

If you and your partner are struggling to communicate about your dealbreakers, consider couples counseling. A therapist can help you learn what is a relationship-ending issue versus where you should be compromising with each other. If you’re still looking for a relationship and are struggling to.

To learn more about how marriage counseling can help you understand your dealbreakers, please reach out to us.