When a partner is unfaithful, it’s a painful blow to the relationship. Often it doesn’t matter whether they had a physical affair or an emotional one—the betrayal is felt all the same. Coping after an emotional infidelity can be challenging, and you’ll need to take stock of the relationship while also taking care of yourself. Here are some first steps you can take to move forward.

What is emotional infidelity?

Emotional infidelity or emotional affairs have all the same characteristics of cheating without the physical aspect. This means the betraying partner invests more time and attention on another person. They may share their hopes, fears, vulnerabilities, and complaints about the relationship with the other person. Over time, this leads to a breakdown of intimacy and closeness with their primary partner.

Each couple has their own set of boundaries for what they consider to be infidelity. While some people wouldn’t consider texting to be cheating, others would. It’s important to have these parameters for your relationship clearly laid out. When that trust is broken, you can then address which lines were crossed and why they mattered. Here are the next steps you can take to cope with the betrayal of an emotional infidelity.

Acknowledge your feelings

It’s important to first sit with your emotions. Don’t try to diminish them or explain them away. What your partner did was hurtful, and you’re allowed to feel those feelings. You might also feel shame, guilt, anger, numbness, betrayal, or self-doubt. Even though these are negative feelings, don’t judge yourself for them—simply allow them to exist and name them.

Talk through your experience

Your partner should start to understand the depth of your feelings. Have a frank, honest conversation with them about what happened, how it’s affected you, and what you need from them moving forward. Stick to I-statements that center around your feelings and experiences. Be ready to listen to your partner, even if it’s painful right now. Make sure the conversation is non-confrontational and that you both have an open mindset. It’s important to get both of your perspectives on the table in order to rebuild the relationship.

Establish new boundaries

To move forward, you’ll need to set (or reset) boundaries in the relationship. For most people, this means cutting out the emotional affair partner. It can also include transparency about technology and internet use, especially if the infidelity relied on texting, emailing, or online chatting. You might also set out new expectations for time spent together and new ways to nurture the relationship.

Focus on self-care

At this time, it’s important to turn your efforts inward. Make sure you’re doing something you love each day. Take time for yourself, and invest in nurturing your own personal identity. Surround yourself with people you love and trust, who you can trust with your thoughts and feelings.

Gradually rebuild trust

Rebuilding trust takes time, so be patient. Once you’ve both shown consistent patterns of transparency, communication, and accountability, you may start to feel more stable. This also means embracing forgiveness, if you’re ready. Find ways to show you appreciate one another and work on letting go of resentment.

Seek counseling

If you’re interested in working on the relationship, you and your partner should see a couples therapist. With the therapist, you can explore the root cause of the infidelity, address negative communication patterns, and help you rebuild trust and intimacy with one another. You may also benefit from individual therapy to address personal issues like building self-esteem, setting healthy boundaries, and breaking bad relationship patterns.

To find out more about how affair counseling can help you cope with emotional infidelity, please reach out to us.