Relationships are built on trust and communication. Conversations, whether they’re about an important conflict or just your day at work, are how you communicate with and listen to your partner. Active listening doesn’t always come easy, but it’s a crucial part of empathizing with each other.

Here’s how active listening helps you communicate better and how to get started.

What is active listening?

Active listening involves fully engaging with the conversation, understanding your partner’s perspective, and responding thoughtfully. It requires effort, concentration, and empathy.

For some people, it’s hard to listen without formulating a response while the other person is talking or coming to a judgment before they’ve finished speaking. Many bad listening techniques are ingrained in us from an early age that are hard to undo. Active listening is a skill that takes practice!

How active listening benefits your relationship

You’ll understand one another

When you actively listen, you make a conscious effort to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. You’re better able to see their perspective and understand where they’re coming from. By working towards empathizing with them, you’ll feel closer than ever.

You’ll handle conflicts better

Many arguments stem from misunderstandings or feeling unheard by your partner. When you actively listen, you’ll validate your partner’s feelings. You’ll each have your moment to be heard and understood. This puts you on equal footing as you look for solutions to your conflicts.

You’ll build trust

When partners feel safe to express themselves without the fear of being dismissed, they build trust with each other. Active listening creates a supportive environment that encourages openly talking about your emotions. Having your partner truly listen to you in vulnerable moments will help you feel more secure with them.

How to start actively listening

Give them your full attention

When your partner speaks with you, show them you’re listening. This means putting away distractions (phones, television, books, etc) and focusing entirely on the conversation. Make eye contact and show that you are engaged.

Engage with what they say

Use body language and verbal acknowledgments to indicate that you’re listening. Nodding, maintaining eye contact, and using affirmations like “I see” or “I understand” can show you’re fully present.

Reflect and paraphrase

Make sure you’ve understood your partner by rephrasing what they’ve said back to them. For instance, you might say, “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated because…” or “I totally see why you’re upset because…”.

This not only shows that you’re listening, but also helps clarify any misunderstandings and validates their feelings all at once. This is especially important when you disagree with them—it shows you’re willing to listen despite your preconceived ideas.

Avoid interrupting

Let your partner express themselves completely before you respond. Interrupting can make them feel unheard and disrespected. Practice patience, even if you disagree or have something important to add.

Ask open-ended questions

Encourage your partner to elaborate on their thoughts and feelings by asking open-ended questions when they’re done. Instead of yes/no questions, try “Can you tell me more about how that made you feel?” or “What do you think we can do about this?”

By encouraging them to open up more, you keep the conversation evolving and build trust with your partner.

Trying couples counseling

If you and your partner are in constant conflict and can’t seem to actually listen to each other, consider seeing a couples counselor. In your sessions, you’ll have a safe space to talk through your arguments.

Your therapist can point out how exactly your communication patterns aren’t working and strategies for fixing them. You’ll also learn better ways of approaching conflicts and setting boundaries. To find out more about how couples therapy can make you a better active listener, please reach out to us.