Infidelity is one of the most damaging things that can happen to a relationship. Often, a relationship doesn’t survive after the affair comes to light. But if you and your partner have decided to work through your issues, you’ll need to come to terms with the infidelity to move on. You might still be feeling worried and anxious about their behavior.

What might be a trigger?

Strong feelings after the discovery of an affair are completely normal. In many ways, you’ll go through a grief-like process. The initial feelings of shock, betrayal, anger, and sadness might eventually give way to shame and humiliation. Any kind of emotional trauma can create triggers, and infidelity is a significant emotional trauma.

Intrusive thoughts about the affair can flood your body with stress hormones and put you into fight-or-flight mode. Love songs, doing certain activities, seeing or hearing about the affair partner, and being in specific locations can all be infidelity triggers. Yours are unique to you. Together, you and your partner need to learn what they are and how to deal with them.

Be mindful.

Mindfulness is a key practice to learn when overcoming any kind of stress. Learn to be mindful when you become distressed after a triggering event—it’s one of the healthiest coping mechanisms out there. Focus on your breathing and sensory experiences rather than getting caught up in the emotional tidal wave.

When you’re not actively stressed, try meditating and getting used to breathing exercises that you can turn to when the time comes. Getting into a daily practice of yoga will also help bring mindfulness into your life.

Make space for kindness.

Remember, it’s okay to have these feelings. The infidelity was not your fault, and there’s no standard way to react to this type of betrayal. Be sure to validate your emotions and ask that your partner do the same for you.

Take time to do things you take pleasure in, like exercise classes, hobbies, or getting together with friends. Be sure to eat and sleep well to give your body the nourishment it needs.

Involve your partner.

Now is the time to be communicative. Be open with them about your triggers and how they relate to their behavior. If you bottle up your emotions now, your partner won’t know how they need to repair the damage they caused. They should also be receptive to your new boundaries around your infidelity triggers. Together, you can anticipate your triggers and they can help you mitigate or avoid them.

Take time to journal.

When you write down times you’ve been stressed and had flashbacks or panic attacks, you’re more likely to see patterns emerge. Doing this will help you identify your triggers. Often, when you’re in the hyper-aroused state of anxiety, it’s hard to remember exact details after the fact. Take the time immediately after an episode of extreme stress to write down the experience.

Only talk to those you trust.

It’s important to have a close support network of family and friends. But involving them in the details of your relationship as you overcome your partner’s infidelity could be tricky. Even though you’re on the path to forgiveness, they’ll be less willing to make allowances for your partner. They might even make your triggers worse if they’re constantly fixating on the infidelity. Be deliberate about who you allow into these conversations.

Don’t go through this alone.

A relationship trauma as deep as infidelity is best dealt with under the guidance of a professional. You will benefit from both individual and couples counseling. With a therapist, you can better understand your triggers and how to overcome the emotions they spark in you. You and your partner can work on communication tactics and how to support one another.

To find out more about how therapy can help you work through your infidelity triggers, please reach out to us for marriage counseling.