The “honeymoon phase” of a relationship fades over time. But in a healthy partnership, people still feel attracted to their partners and crave their presence and touch. If you’re feeling a loss of attraction, you’re probably feeling more resentful of your partner lately.

You might even be arguing more and feeling even more distant from each other. Here are a few ways you can shift your perspective and regain attraction for your partner.

First: what is under your control?

If you look at the issue as “I want my partner to change” instead of “I want to feel attracted to my partner again,” you’ll have a hard time overcoming it. In reality, you have no control over how your partner behaves and how they treat their body.

Shift your view to being one of changing your own perspective instead of changing who they are. By doing this, you’ve set yourself up to approach the relationship in a positive way.

Examine what it is you want

Remember, this is about your own experience of attraction. This means weighing what you want out of the relationship. Would you prefer to feel more physically close to your partner? Do you want to prioritize time together? Don’t wait for your partner to take the first step.

This is your chance to focus on the positives, try to see your partner in a new light, and avoid comparisons to other people. This can help you change your pattern of thinking and get you out of the rut of negativity.

Heal your past wounds

If your loss of attraction was preceded by an event, you both need to process it. Was your partner unfaithful? Did they mistreat you or ignore your needs at an important moment? There needs to be an honest reckoning with what happened. You both need to dig deep to discover the root of your conflicts.

They need to accept their part in the hurtful experience and genuinely apologize. If you’ve been having repeated conflicts, you’re probably creating even more distance each time you argue. Repairing this building resentment is crucial to regaining your attraction. You should each communicate what it would mean to accept responsibility, show remorse, and re-right the wrong.

Rediscover intimacy

Sometimes a loss of attraction happens when you’ve become too used to one another. The spark that brought you together has diminished. You’ve been living together and going through the normalcy of daily life, so your erotic tension might be defused. Predictability equals boredom. One way to address this is by putting yourselves into new scenarios.

This doesn’t necessarily mean you should go skydiving at your next opportunity. But think about an activity that you’ve both been wanting to try but haven’t made an effort. Maybe it’s taking a trip somewhere you don’t speak the language. Or perhaps you could try cooking new meals you’ve never tried. It’s about creating a new experience together, no matter how small.

Talk it out with a therapist

If you’ve been together for a long time, you probably don’t want to throw away your relationship. But you need to work past the loss of attracting and the conflict it causes. Consider talking to a couple’s counselor so that you both feel re-engaged in your partnership.

Your therapist will work with you on communication strategies and how to shift your perspective to what you can actually control. The three of you can find the root of this loss of attraction and address your underlying emotional pains.

To find out more about how marriage counseling can help you rediscover an attraction to your partner, please reach out to us.