You may have heard the term "codependent" used casually to describe someone who is "needy" or "clingy". However, codependency is a very real relationship dynamic, and it can be harmful.
Like many other mental health issues, codependency does have some common signs. It's important to know the signs of a codependent relationship and understand why they're problematic.
What is Codependency
Codependency involves an imbalance of power. In many cases, one person is putting much more time and effort into the relationship. The other person, whether consciously or unconsciously, takes advantage of this effort imbalance to satisfy their own needs and desires.
At first, this dynamic can feel beneficial because the giver feels good about being supportive of the other person. However, over time, the giver tends to lose sight of their own needs, desires, and values. They may develop a skewed sense of what their responsibilities are and can even lose their sense of identity.
Codependency is frequently seen in relationships where a substance abuse disorder is involved, but can also occur in boss-employee relationships, family and friend relationships, etc. We often see codependency in romantic relationships.
4 Signs of Codependency in Relationships
Self Care Feels Selfish
One red flag that codependency may be at play is feeling selfish for taking care of oneself. Because the dynamic involves an imbalance of power, one person ends up feeling like it's their sole purpose to support the other.
When this happens, it can make you feel guilty for taking time to do things for yourself. However, self care is extremely important for our mental health. When we don't take time for self care or feel bad about doing self care, we get burnt out, lose our independence, and lose our sense of self.
Feeling the Need to Change Someone
Another sign of codependency is feeling the need to change someone. This plays into the idea of saving someone from themselves. If you just love and support them enough, you can "fix" them and it'll be happily ever after. It rarely ends up happy.
Unfortunately, we can't change someone who doesn't want to change. Instead, we may end up exacerbating their negative qualities or behaviors by inadvertently supporting them. We think if we are patient, that things will improve. However, all it's saying to them is we won't leave them or put our foot down when they take advantage of us.
They Retaliate When You Set Boundaries
Boundaries are an important part of any healthy relationship. They tell people how we expect to be treated.
When someone in a codependent relationship tries to set boundaries, it's often met with retaliation. The other person's behavior may escalate or worsen as a result. This effectively destroys any boundaries and makes the person trying to set them feel selfish or guilty. It can often lead to resentment and tension that is stressful for both parties.
You Struggle to Be Alone
There's a difference between being a social person and being unable to be alone. In a codependent relationship, you may struggle to feel comfortable alone without feeling the urge to reach out. Sitting with your own thoughts feels foreign and uncomfortable because you're so used to caring solely for the other person's thoughts and feelings.
It's easier to focus on the other person than face the difficult issue of focusing on yourself or trying to improve things. Other signs that stem from this include feeling anxious when the other person doesn't reply (or reply fast enough) and even canceling plans with others to spend time with your partner.
Codependency is a very real and stressful situation. The good news is, it's not irreparable. Therapy can help you identify your codependent tendencies and rediscover your sense of self. Reach out to begin a new path.