In a relationship, fighting is necessary. It can actually be a red flag if you two never argue. But the opposite is also true. Fighting too often can get exhausting and can be indicative of deeper communication issues. If you find yourselves arguing about the same things over and over, you’re stuck in a dysfunctional groove.
Learning how to fight productively can bring you back to healthy relationship patterns as well as curb the frequency of your conflicts. Here are a few strategies for addressing your unhealthy arguments.
Communicate, don’t ruminate
Holding in an issue doesn’t make it go away. In fact, keeping it to yourself is shown to make the problem worse in the long run. Even if you might be afraid to start a relationship-threatening argument (especially multiple times a week or month), it’s better to communicate aloud rather than silently festering.
Pent-up frustrations eventually explode into knock-down-drag-out fights that are much more difficult to recover from than a smaller conflict.
Take timeouts during arguments
When you’re in the heat of a fight, things can escalate quickly. If you fight often, you probably find that it’s hard to exit the conversation as you keep going in circles. It’s okay, and even encouraged, to take time to cool your head. Even just a five-minute walk around the block can prevent you from getting so angry you say something you’ll regret afterward.
As you begin to strategize your conflicts so that they’re more productive, you can even work out a set time to separate and cool off for a bit.
Don’t view fights as competitions
One feature of dysfunctional conflict resolution is coming to a fight wanting to win at all costs. This means never admitting you were in the wrong, accusing your partner of making things worse, and not apologizing even when you’re both at fault. When you approach your arguments this way, there is no actual communication between you.
Prioritize closeness rather than “winning” the fight. Remind yourself that you love your partner, you want to see them happy, and that you’re trying to empathize with them. Putting yourselves in each other’s shoes will give you a better perspective. You can then prioritize finding solutions rather than slinging accusations.
Adjust your defensiveness
Part of getting out of this competitive mindset is changing from a defensive stance to a receptive one. When you become open to valid criticism from your partner, you’re showing them you care about what they’re saying.
You’ll also be less likely to view everything they say as an attack on your character. You’ll be better able to hear the words they’re actually saying to you, rather than a distorted version you’ll end up reacting angrily to.
Be vulnerable
Acknowledge your feelings. If you’re feeling angry or ashamed, think about the root of that secondary emotion. Those are usually triggered by a primary emotion, such as feeling unloved or hurt. Use emotion-centered, person-focused language. It’s okay to say, “I’m feeling hurt right now,” or “I’m frustrated with how argumentative this relationship is.”
Rather than slinging insults, you’re inviting your partner to see how you’re feeling and be receptive to it. Modeling this vulnerability for one another will increase your intimacy and empathy.
See a couple’s counselor
Learning to work out your arguments in the neutral space of a therapist’s office can strengthen your communication in the long term. You can even look at your sessions as the place to keep your conflicts to at first.
Making a pact with your partner to only argue in the therapy sessions can lower the frequency of your fights. Your counselor will be able to coach you through better communication tactics and conflict resolution strategies.
To find out more about how therapy can help you fight better and fight less, please reach out for marriage counseling.