It might be easy to say that all conflict is bad. Our culture has conditioned us to think that conflict should be avoided and swept under the rug.
In reality, when interpersonal conflict is approached in a healthy way, it can strengthen your romantic, familial, and workplace relationships. It’s a skill that everyone should work on. After all, we can’t navigate through life without occasionally needing to resolve issues with those around us.
Unhealthy conflict is characterized by personal attacks, accusations, criticisms, defensiveness, and stonewalling. In this kind of situation, no real communication is happening. You will likely also feel flooded with anxiety as your body goes into a fight-or-flight response.
Healthy conflict, on the other hand, can bring you and your partner closer together. Since arguments are often just the surface cover for some deeper emotion, they provide an opportunity for you both to be more honest. Conflict arises when something needs to change. It’s helpful to reframe our concept of conflict as a chance for growth.
“I” statements.
Start by focusing on your own feelings rather than attacking your partner. Accusatory “you” statements only invite the other person to get defensive, which gets you both nowhere.
Reframe your statements to prioritize how something made you feel rather than what your partner did. Instead of “You never help me put the kids to bed,” try saying “I feel frustrated and unloved when I do most of the childcare.” Rather than saying “You’re always putting your friends first instead of me,” try “I feel neglected when I’m at home alone.”
The end result, first.
Focus on the issue at hand. Be specific about your main concerns and your goals for the conversation. If you enter a conflict with a clearly defined outcome you’re looking for, the path toward communication is laid out for you.
Say you and your partner are arguing about your in-laws coming to town. You’ve always struggled with them crossing your personal boundaries, but your partner has never been able to be assertive with them.
Go into your conversation laying out each of your goals—you want to protect your boundaries, and your partner wants to keep the peace with their parents. With these results in mind, you can more easily navigate setting up a schedule for you to recharge alone and for your partner to be honest with their family.
Understand, then be understood.
Some differences between you will never be resolved. In that case especially, understanding is the most important part of communication. When you make the effort to understand your partner, you’re showing them you care.
Rather than getting defensive or stonewalling them, being open and receptive keeps the conversation positive. Try to put yourself in their shoes.
One of your main goals should be understanding their perspective. Modeling this type of healthy behavior in an argument will also encourage them to mirror you. This way, you can work together as a team rather than as enemies. Even if you can’t come to a full agreement, if both of you leave the discussion feeling understood, then the conflict wasn’t unproductive. Sometimes it’s necessary to agree to disagree.
Develop personal boundaries.
It’s important to set boundaries. Outside the conflict setting, when both of you are at ease, establish some ground rules for the future. Ask for basic respect from your partner. A good place to start is by eliminating swearing and name calling during arguments. You and your partner might make a list of things you both need from the other in times of conflict.
What next?
Getting conflict to a consistently healthy place takes work. Don’t be afraid to talk with your partner before you even have an argument about how you can approach your discussions better.
If you’re interested in finding out about marriage counseling to keep your conflict healthy, please reach out.