Our culture has a way of easily categorizing things in black and white terms. When we think of fighting with our partners, the impulse is to worry that it’s always unhealthy. After all, society says couples who don’t argue are healthy and strong, while couples who fight a lot are toxic.

In reality, it’s not about the quantity of fights but their quality. There is a big difference between fights that are stuck in an unproductive pattern and fights that improve the relationship. Resolving conflict in a healthy way takes work, and if you’re feeling like you and your partner can’t make progress, couples therapy might be right for you.

Toxic ways of fighting

The most obvious sign of unhealthy arguments is when they happen over and over about the same issues. For example, a fight about dirty dishes shouldn’t always turn into why you dislike each other’s parents. Bringing up past issues or potential issues is also a sign of dysfunctional conflict.

Any disrespectful language, name-calling, or finger-pointing is a hallmark of an unproductive fight. You should rethink arguments where one or both of you only want to be right instead of listening and understanding.

Another dysfunctional dynamic is when you and your partner avoid conflict. It can be just as unhealthy to never fight. This can indicate that either of you aren’t willing to solve problems, express your emotions, or improve the relationship.

Healthy ways of fighting

The keys to healthy conflict are respect, honesty, and active listening. Active listening isn’t just about hearing—it involves asking questions, giving advice when asked for, and offering empathy.

A good fight will stick to the moment instead of bringing up past disagreements. The fight is a safe space to express emotions, apologize, and ultimately grow closer. A healthy couple will also move on from their arguments relatively quickly, all while expressing care and affection.

Tips for approaching your next fight

Go into it with a goal

If you know a high-conflict situation is coming up, like determining a parenting style or buying a house, you should both say what you want to get out of your argument. It might sound silly, but writing down your goals and taking down each person’s perspective can keep you focused on the task at hand.

Use I-statements

Instead of saying “You never want to spend time with me outside of work,” try reframing it to prioritize your emotions. “I feel lonely and unloved” better gets at how you’re being affected in this dynamic. When you stay away from accusations, you can more easily be heard.

Give each other the floor

To avoid interrupting one another, set time limits for each person to speak. Follow that up with questions and clarifications. While this might feel formulaic, it’s a good way to ensure you’re each being listened to and understood.

Take time-outs

If you find yourself straying back into your dysfunctional argument patterns, it’s okay to take some time away from the fight to cool off. A good fight shouldn’t have your emotions running so high that you begin accusing, name-calling, or otherwise disrespecting your partner.

Therapy to resolve conflict

There’s no exact formula for how often healthy couples should fight. But there are ways of arguing smarter. If you’re struggling with fighting in a healthy way and find yourself stuck in toxic patterns of communication, you should consider professional counseling.

A couple’s counselor can mediate your conflicts and facilitate discussions while modeling healthy communication strategies. Sometimes it’s easier to talk about the tough stuff in the neutral zone of a therapist’s office. Afterwards, you can take those tactics to your everyday interactions.

To find out more about how marriage counseling can help your fights turn into productive conflicts in your relationship, please reach out.