Communication is the bedrock of relationships. Learning to deal with conflict in a healthy way is the key to maintaining a long-lasting, fulfilling partnership.
While it’s not very romantic to think about, good communication takes effort on both parts. It can be especially hard to stick to what you know is healthy when you’re feeling angry.
First consider: why are you angry?
It might sound easy, but the first thing to do before communicating to your partner is to think about the root cause of your anger. Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning it has a primary emotion that triggers it. That emotion can be anything negative, from shame, sadness, humiliation, or frustration.
Being able to accurately name and describe your emotions is the first step towards emotional regulation. Even this small act can make you pause and collect yourself.
It’s also possible your anger has been building up for a while. When you leave small issues undiscussed, they can become pressure points in your relationship. Avoiding smaller conflicts in the name of keeping the peace momentarily can be a bad idea.
It’s best to head your anger off earlier by communicating your pain and frustrations as often as they come up. This will help you both to not blow up at each other. There are several tactics you can take once you're angry to avoid dysfunctional communication.
Take time for yourself
Lashing out when you’re angry can feel really good in the moment. But it’s almost always a bad idea. You can potentially do serious damage to your relationship when speaking rashly. In an argument, it’s okay to take a step back and pause to breathe. Maybe you need a few hours of alone time to get out of the house and take a walk.
Use “I” statements
Accusing your partner (“You never help me around here!”) or making them guess why you’re mad (“You should already know!”) are not productive ways of communicating.
When you shift to talking about your experiences and feelings, you’re much more likely to get through to your partner. “I feel unappreciated when I have to do the chores” invites more conversation than an accusation.
To that end, name-calling or comparisons to other people in your life are also highly dysfunctional ways of speaking to your partner. Always keep the focus on what you know to be true: your own emotions.
Work on active listening
In an argument, being heard is the most important thing. Studies show that feeling understood is the key to healthy, productive conflict. By using “I” statements, you’re guiding your partner to listen to you. But you should also be reciprocating.
Try asking your partner clarifying questions once they’ve said their piece. You can also summarize what they said to make absolutely sure you’re understanding them.
Remember that you love them
It’s easy to get caught up in an overwhelming emotion such as anger. But by pausing and communicating, you’re showing that you care about the relationship. Experiencing strong emotions can be a good thing. It’s a sign that you’re still invested. Indifference or disinterest is a symptom of a dying relationship. When you take time to collect yourself, remember what it is about this person that made you love them.
Get individual and couples counseling
If you’re struggling with calming your anger or communicating with your partner, therapy might be right for you. Individual therapy can help you deal with overwhelming emotions and guide you toward managing your anger. Couples counseling can be a great way to learn better communication strategies.
To find out more about how therapy can strengthen your relationship and calm your anger, please reach out to me for marriage counseilng.