Conflict is a part of any healthy relationship. It means you both have boundaries; you want them respected, and you’re willing to communicate that with your spouse. Knowing how to approach a conflict with your spouse is important. It’s just as important to understand how you can reconcile with your loved one after an argument.
We all say things we don’t mean when things get heated. Just because we might know and understand the rules and etiquette of conflict resolution doesn’t mean we completely avoid emotional reactions. We’re human. We make these mistakes, and our feelings and emotions are a part of us and very valid. Knowing that we will make mistakes gives us an advantage. Because then we can prepare ourselves for how to make amends.
Mistakes to Avoid When Reconciling with Your Spouse
Being able to forgive is a critical tool in any relationship, especially a marriage. It’s also a way to keep yourself and each other healthy. Grudges can affect our emotional, mental, and physical health, so keep these things in mind to avoid the next time you’re trying to reconcile:
Saying “It’s fine,” when it’s not.
If you’re not okay, don’t say you are. You and your partner need to understand and be comfortable with the other person experiencing negative emotions. We want to protect our partners. We don’t want to hurt their feelings, and conflict is always uncomfortable. But holding a grudge against your spouse is toxic to your relationship.
Tell them how you really feel, and then, when you’re ready to forgive them, try to stick with these tips:
Make the decision to forgive a conscious one
Make sure you’re not going to throw this transgression in their face at a later argument
Remember that forgiving them doesn’t mean condoning what they did
Demanding forgiveness or an apology.
If you demand to be forgiven or demand an apology, you’re interfering with the process. It’s tempting to want the conflict out of the way, under the rug, and right now! But handling it this way builds a foundation for resentment. Instead of demanding forgiveness or an apology, try:
Apologizing once you understand their hurt and experience genuine remorse
Be willing to make a commitment not to hurt your partner by repeating the behavior
Accept the consequences of your actions, including their hurt, the fallout, the conflict, and the emotional hurt and distrust that you might need to work through in the future
Make your apology heartfelt, not surface level. Tell them how you want to make things right, and that you understand why what you did was hurtful.
Assuming it’s all over.
You’re in the relationship together, and if it ends, you end it together. Assuming that the entire relationship is forfeit because of this conflict won’t help. Even if it feels like something you can’t bounce back from, let yourself process those feelings before you approach your partner.
We’re not suggesting you don’t move on if you know it’s really over. But if your assumption is driven by a fear of abandonment, rejection, or anger, let yourself find a place of calm first.
Avoiding counseling.
Too many people assume that going to marriage counseling is a signature on your marriage’s death certificate. That’s simply not the case. Couples counseling can even be for partners who are in a mostly healthy relationship but just need to resolve some issues. Or it can be for partners who are experiencing issues right now that they feel are irreconcilable.
There’s no shame in going to couples’ counseling. Don’t let old stigmas or fear of judgment prevent you from saving your relationship.
If you feel you might benefit from couples’ counseling or even individual counseling, reach out to a professional therapist.