Conflict will come up in every relationship at some point. But conflict doesn’t have to be chaotic, upsetting, or mean. In fact, it’s important to have good arguments!
The key to a healthy relationship is knowing how to address conflict as it arises. Unhealthy couples will build barriers, cross boundaries, accuse, and unproductively argue. The Gottman Institute has coined the Four Horsemen of conflict, which predict the end of a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These communication tactics derail any conversation and hinder any meaningful communication.
Healthy conflict, on the other hand, fosters communication and understanding, focusing on feelings and responses instead of resorting to accusations and criticism, which shut people down. Here are several important signs of healthy conflict.
Both partners have boundaries
It’s important to think of boundaries not as walls but as signposts. If one person says that they can’t have a discussion right after work, that boundary should be honored. Maybe they need time to decompress after a stressful day and they know that any kind of discussion will trigger them into anger.
It can be helpful to set boundaries together when you’re not in conflict. Set up guidelines for how you’d like your next conversation to go. Some couples even find it useful to schedule their discussions, so that arguments don’t pop up and derail other moments in their lives.
Setting aside time also allows both people to prepare and come with a list of objectives for what they’d like to address. This will ensure that the conflict ends up as productive as possible.
Each person uses “I” statements
Starting any conflict with “You always say/do that” is a bad idea. Once accusations begin to fly, defensiveness follows. This creates a barrier to communication that can be hard to cross. Emotions flare up and dictate the conversation, rather than the conversation orienting toward problem-solving.
Focus on saying “I feel this way when ____ happens.” This way you’re not engaging in character assassination of your partner, and you’re articulating how you feel in a particular situation. Also, say what you would like to see happen as a result of this conflict. “I would love it if…” “I’m hoping together we can…” This moves the conversation toward resolution.
Arguments don’t have winners and losers
Walking into an argument with the mentality that someone has to come out on top is dysfunctional. Healthy conflict is all about compromise. Instead of viewing arguments as a battle between two opposing forces, think of them as a problem to be solved as a team. And don’t shy away from apologizing!
It’s okay to admit fault when it’s there. When you approach conflict from this collaborative standpoint, your relationship will emerge stronger.
Understanding one another is key
Listening is one of the most important parts of healthy conflict. Shouting over one another doesn’t solve anything. It’s the opposite of communication.
Listen when it’s your turn, and ask questions to clarify what your partner is saying. This will ensure you’re both understanding one another. Keep those lines of communication open and collaborative.
Seeking conflict mediation
If you or your partner are struggling to put some of these communication techniques into practice, speaking with a professional could be right for you. A couples counselor can mediate conflict between you and model healthy communication strategies. You or your partner may also benefit from individual therapy to address your emotional responses and patterns of thinking if they are creating more conflict between you.
To find out more about how marriage counseling can help you engage in healthy conflict in your relationship, please reach out to us.