"Codependency" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, but it means much more than just clinginess. Codependent relationships are defined by an imbalance of power. One person devotes their time and emotional energy to another, who takes advantage of this behavior, consciously or unconsciously.
There is no level of mutuality—the relationship is reactive, competitive, and dysfunctional. Codependency can appear in a variety of relationships. For example, an addict and their parent may develop a codependent, enabling relationship. But codependency can also exist between siblings, friends, coworkers, and romantic partners.
The first place to start is asking whether you’re in a codependent marriage. Determining the level of codependency in your relationship is key. One of the first hallmarks of a codependent marriage is the inability to see it. While friends and family might immediately recognize your relationship as unhealthy and codependent, you and your partner might feel your behaviors are healthy. It’s much easier to ignore and rationalize the red flags from the inside.
From there, you can begin to examine aspects of your marriage that seem troubling. Perhaps other loved ones have told you their concerns. Here are some signs you might be in a codependent relationship.
Fearing Abandonment
While it’s normal to want your partner with you or miss them when they’re gone, too much of this is unhealthy. Someone in a codependent relationship will feel extreme fear of losing their spouse.
Any lapse in communication will send one person into a spiral. This clinginess will become a source of conflict on both sides—the person with more power might use this anxiety to guilt-trip or manipulate their codependent spouse.
Taking on Your Partner’s Struggles
A codependent marriage has no balance. One partner will take on the role of caretaker to try to solve all the other person’s issues. You might feel like you need to save them from themselves or from the world.
This is most obvious when that person is an addict. You may also want to fundamentally change who they are. A codependent person won’t be able to recognize incompatibilities in lifestyle and personality. Rather, they’ll see these as mere stumbling blocks that aren’t worth communicating openly about.
Having Low Self-esteem
In a codependent relationship, caring about yourself might feel selfish. As such, your self-esteem will take a nosedive. When you’re so preoccupied with someone else, you put yourself and your confidence last. You’ll also feel an inability to be happy without your spouse.
You might also find you’ve lost yourself. Your unique interests and hobbies fall by the wayside when you’re devoting all your energy to your dependent partner. You might even be unable to answer when someone asks, “How have you been?” or “What do you think?” You’ve given all your focus to your spouse that you’ve lost the ability to see yourself as an individual.
Experiencing Constant Anxiety
Everyone feels anxious at some point. But a codependent marriage will be consumed by anxiety. The thought of being alone without your partner or being around others gives you anxiety; you tend to run through worst-case scenarios in your mind when you don’t hear from them.
Setting healthy boundaries and having alone time feels both impossible and stressful for both of you. You both might be developing resentment from this inability to thrive as your own person.
Treatment options
Many root issues can cause a couple to develop codependent behaviors. Perhaps you’ve been abused or unhealthy relationships have been your only model. The best way to help a codependent marriage and re-develop healthy boundaries is with a couple’s therapist. A professional can help you tackle your deeper issues.
If you’re looking for more resources on rebuilding your relationship, developing healthy boundaries, and learning healthy communication skills, please reach out to us for help with marriage counseling.