When you meet a prospective partner, you can’t predict what will attract you to them. Of course, physical attraction matters. But there are a variety of other interpersonal chemistries at play: sexual, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual being a few.
For some people, intellectual chemistry is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. When you feel connected with someone mentally, it can improve the intimacy and strength of the relationship.
What is intellectual chemistry and why is it important?
Intellectual chemistry is when you and a partner are mentally aligned. You find the same subjects fascinating. You can talk for hours and still find the conversation stimulating. It’s an early sign in a relationship that you’re good at communication, which becomes only more important as time goes on. The intensity of the initial attraction in the honeymoon stage wanes after a while.
So while sexual compatibility might be more important early on, you might find that an intellectual match means more to you as the relationship matures. When you have good intellectual chemistry with someone, you’re consistently forming a strong attachment between you through communication and enrichment.
Signs of good intellectual chemistry between you and your partner:
You feel like a mental match.
Not everybody has the exact same intellectual pursuits and hobbies—we all bring some different knowledge to the table. When you have intellectual chemistry, you enjoy that aspect of your partner.
You both get to teach and learn, without dumbing down any of your lingo. You’re on the same intellectual plane, and you feel free to nerd out with each other. You probably also have very similar senses of humor.
Your conversations are easy and energetic.
Good intellectual chemistry means conversations aren’t forced, bland, or awkward. You flow easily from subject to subject, excited to talk about new things together. Neither of you feels condescended to or bored.
Instead, your conversations are challenging, engaging, and alter your worldview—in a good way. And silence, instead of feeling like an awkward pause to push past, feels like a natural break in your flow.
You see disagreements as learning opportunities.
There will be times when you approach an issue from different perspectives. Rather than letting these turn into heated arguments, you both see these opposing opinions as a chance to learn. As one person advocates for their side, the other listens and internalizes.
Your conversations are guided by curiosity and seeing your partner passionate about a subject you don’t agree on excites you. This natural inclination to active listening bleeds into relationship issues, and you’ll communicate better for it.
How can you foster intellectual chemistry?
While it may have happened spontaneously at the beginning of your relationship, it’s possible your intellectual chemistry has toned down since you’ve been together. But there are ways of creating it for yourselves intentionally. Try experiencing new events, media, foods, and places together. Get into a new band and see them on tour.
Watch the latest thought-provoking documentary on your next date night. Set up a book club for just the two of you and read something new each month. Take up the next DIY project together by researching and watching tutorials online. Whatever you do, what matters most is the reinvigorated conversations you have afterward.
Do you need help communicating?
If you feel your intellectual, sexual, or emotional chemistry has begun to fade, consider seeing a therapist. A couple’s counselor can help you reconnect and find ways to reignite the spark that originally brought you together. Sometimes relationships need time dedicated to reimagining communication tools to be more successful.
To learn more about how marriage counseling can help nurture your intellectual chemistry, please reach out to us.