Being concerned for your partner is a natural impulse. Often, it’s normal and healthy. But if you obsess over your partner’s behavior and micromanage their habits, your relationship is heading into unhealthy territory. For a relationship to be successful, both people need to be self-sufficient and keep their own identities.
Parenting your partner crosses that boundary. Adults deserve respect and equal treatment—if parenting is a dynamic in your relationship, you’ll need to change your roles.
What does parenting your partner look like?
You might be parenting your partner if you:
buy clothes for them or choose their outfits
choose their hairstyle or style their hair
clean up after them
assign them chores
feel like it’s your responsibility to correct their behavior
keep track of their appointments, belongings, or responsibilities
dish up their food for them
fill out important medical/legal forms or make appointments for them
belittle or chastise them often
use a “babying” voice or take a parental tone with them
apologize for their behavior to others
cater to their needs
feel overprotective about them
Why is parenting your partner bad for the relationship?
It kills intimacy
It’s hard to feel a sexual attraction to your partner when you’ve entered into a parent/child dynamic. You’re not going to feel much connection when one person is micromanaging and belittling the other all day.
Intimacy builds during little interactions all day—touching, eye contact, laughing together. But if your relationship mainly consists of nagging and immature behavior, you’re not taking the time to foster romantic feelings.
It sets up an uneven power dynamic
Partnerships should be based on the equal input, responsibility, and value of each person. But when one person parents their mate, they’re implying (sometimes not so subtly) that their partner is the weaker person. This gets reinforced when intimacy takes a backseat in the relationship.
It blocks communication
How can communication flow when one person believes they have more say in the relationship than the other? Because the power dynamic is weighted on one side, the other person doesn’t feel valued or heard.
They may begin to withhold things, lie, and avoid confrontation because they know their partner won’t listen. Feeling unheard is one of the strongest indicators that communication has broken down.
How can you change your outlook?
If one of you is parenting the other, you need to take steps to break the unhealthy habits to get your relationship on track.
Identify the behaviors
Start by making a list of ways one person feels belittled and the other feels like they’re taking on a domineering role. Lay everything out with your partner and commit to honesty. Then, when those situations come up, don’t lean into your previous role.
Set strong boundaries
When you set and maintain boundaries, you’re showing your partner you respect them and expect that they respect you. Allow each other to have rich personal lives and alone time. You should each take on more responsibility in your household—find things to make your own.
Remember—mistakes are okay
Think of your relationship as a partnership. Adults don’t like being treated like children, and part of being an adult is facing consequences. If one person slips up, they don’t deserve to be berated by the other.
Can therapy help?
Parenting a partner comes from a fundamental lack of communication. If you’ve tried to change your dynamic but nothing is working, sessions with a therapist can help get you back on track. You’ll learn new, better ways of communicating and listening to your partner.
To find out more about how marriage counseling can improve your relationship dynamic, please reach out to us.