Healthy relationships sometimes involve relying on one another for support. The key differences between getting support and being codependent can be emotional, financial, or physical. Codependency is sometimes called relationship addiction—it’s an excessive need and dependency on a relationship.
Codependent relationships usually have some kind of underlying dysfunction. This dysfunction might look like abuse, addiction, or related mental illnesses. Any kind of relationship can be codependent, though we usually use the term to refer to romantic relationships.
But what does codependency look like?
4 Common Signs of Codependency
A codependent person may often come across as a people-pleaser. They support people in ways that often become a detriment to their own health. Some common signs of codependency include:
1. Fear of abandonment
Codependent people have a deep-seated fear of abandonment. They’ll spend much of their time in relationships, making sure the other person doesn’t leave. This might include hiding how they feel, manipulating, or enabling unhealthy habits.
Someone who’s battling codependency might have poor self-esteem or an obsessive need for approval. They value the approval of others more than they value their own satisfaction. Because of these things, they often never learn how to appropriately express their emotions.
2. Resentment
If a codependent relationship goes on for quite some time, resentment can grow. Someone who’s codependent can easily start resenting the other person. It might be because of jealousy. For instance, if the other person is more comfortable in social situations, it can feel troubling to the codependent person.
Other forms of resentment might be based on the fear that the other person can live without you. The fear of abandonment drives this anxiety and can cause a codependent to become jealous anytime the other person expresses independence.
3. Reactivity
They often bottle all of this insecurity up. Remember, a codependent person is often uncomfortable expressing how they feel. They’re usually ashamed of their emotions or fearful of what the other person will do if they’re honest. All of this being bottled up within a person is bound to explode.
This is especially true for codependents who develop a strong sense of caretaking. They can become defensive. Something that’s said with good intentions might be taken as criticism. These factors result in the person losing touch with their needs. It makes it hard to be proactive about self-care and the stress mounts until it becomes unbearable.
4. Caretaking
Someone who is codependent usually has a strong caretaker instinct. They feel responsible for everyone’s happiness but for their own. This usually stems from their childhood. If one of their caretakers was neglectful or abusive, they learn that if they cater directly to the caretaker’s needs, their lives are easier.
This usually results in things like love-bombing. That’s when someone dotes on another person excessively and often at the very start of a romantic relationship. It’s the people-pleaser trait again. It’s often subconscious, but it’s essentially them saying, “I crave love, approval, and affection.”
Coping with a Codependent Relationship
If the relationship is unsafe, you need to consider this above everything else. Removing codependency takes the work of both people. That means they must acknowledge what’s happening and be willing to work toward a resolution.
If you decide that this is a relationship worth putting in the work or if you’re someone who experiences relationships co-dependently, there is help for those willing to work on it. Self-care is an enormous factor. As we said above, codependency means you usually set your wants and needs aside.
A professional therapist can help you, and your loved one's resolve codependency in a relationship. Don’t be afraid to ask for the help you need.