Many people feel insecure every once in a while. But chronic insecurity can cause rifts in your relationships that can eventually lead to breakups. Whether it’s stemming from self-doubt, a fear of rejection, or not knowing your partner’s real feelings, insecurity can create the tension and misunderstandings that add up to destroy a relationship.
Here’s how insecurity negatively harms your relationship and what you can do about it.
Erosion of trust
When a partner is insecure, they can destroy any foundation of trust in the relationship. Insecurity makes you doubt your partner’s loyalty, even when there’s zero evidence they’ve been unfaithful.
Questioning your partner’s whereabouts, checking their phone or social media accounts, or becoming overly suspicious of harmless interactions are all signs insecurity is harming your relationship. This constant doubt can create a toxic cycle where your partner feels mistrusted and begins to withdraw, which, in turn, feeds your fears.
Breakdown of communication
Good communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, but insecurity can undermine it all. If you’re insecure, you might be afraid to express your feelings for fear you’ll be judged. This can result in passive-aggressive behavior, silent treatments, or emotional outbursts, none of which are conducive to resolving issues with your partner.
In turn, your partner might become frustrated and overwhelmed by the constant need for reassurance, leading them to avoid conversations altogether.
Neediness and clinginess
Insecure people often feel a deep need for validation and reassurance from their partners. While occasional reassurance is normal in any relationship, constantly seeking it can become exhausting for both parties.
Clinginess and needing constant attention can make your partner feel suffocated and lead to feelings of resentment.
Control issues
Insecurity can breed jealousy, which leads to control issues. An insecure person can become overly possessive or jealous of their partner’s interactions with other people.
This can lead to attempts to control their partner’s behavior, like limiting their social activities or deciding who they can or cannot talk to. This leads to a power struggle that further widens the rift between you.
How to work on insecurity in your relationship
Acknowledge your insecurities
Take time to reflect on roots of your insecurity. Is it related to past experiences, like being betrayed in a previous relationship? Or is it connected to a deeper sense of low self-esteem? Question yourself about the causes of your insecurities so you can address them.
Communicate with your partner
Express your feelings using “I” statements. For example, instead of saying, “You never make me feel loved,” try saying, “I sometimes feel insecure and could use some reassurance when you spend time without me.” This approach creates an open dialogue where your partner can understand your needs without feeling attacked.
Build your self-esteem
It’s important to know and love yourself before involving yourself with anyone else. Engage in activities that make you feel confident, like trying out a new hobby, getting more training in your career, or practicing self-care. When you feel good about yourself, you’re less likely to seek constant validation from your partner.
Be patient
Building trust in a relationship takes time, especially if insecurity has created rifts in the past. Be patient with both yourself and your partner. Remember, trust is a choice and choosing to trust your partner is a step toward healing your insecurities.
Seek professional help
If your or your partner’s insecurities are so deeply ingrained that they’re harming your relationship, consider talking to a therapist. In individual therapy, you can explore the root causes of your insecurity, develop healthier thought patterns, and work on strategies to build a stronger, more secure relationship.
In couples therapy, you’ll both learn better ways of communicating, how to set boundaries around control issues, and deepen your trust.
To find out more about how therapy can help you overcome your insecurities, please reach out to us.