Active listening is a skill that doesn’t always come naturally. We might feel the impulse to interrupt, tell our own story, or give unprompted advice. This is particularly true when our partner is in pain—we want to alleviate their hurt and help them move forward.
When our partners are sharing their frustrations or revealing something deep about themselves, our interruptions do more harm than good no matter how well-intentioned they are. In these moments, active listening is more important. This means validating your partner and showing them how important the stories they tell are.
In these moments, your presence and attention can be more healing than any advice or solution you could offer. Here’s how you can begin actively listening to your partner without trying to fix things.
Minimize distractions
Your conversations should be a safe space where your partner feels comfortable being vulnerable. This means putting away devices (or even putting them on Do Not Disturb) and sitting somewhere quiet and private.
When you get rid of distractions, you have the opportunity to give them your full attention. Show them this through body language: turn toward them, react to what they’re saying, or even offer touches or hugs if they’re open to physical contact.
Reflect what you hear
Paraphrase what your partner is saying to show that you understand. This helps make sure you’re on the same page and you know what they want going forward.
For example, you might say, “It sounds like you’re telling me how hard your childhood was,” or “I understand you’re going through a tough time because of this work project.” If you’re mistaken about what they really mean, you can have a longer conversation.
Offer validation
This means being empathetic towards their feelings. Avoid chastising them or minimizing what they’re going through. Try to see the situation from their vantage point and why they might be having this emotional reaction.
When you validate their feelings, they’re more likely to keep opening up. It also shows how much you care, and that you’re willing to take a step back instead of rushing to offer solutions.
Ask open-ended questions
If they’re less forthcoming about how they’re feeling, ask questions to get a better sense of what’s going on inside them. This turns the conversation to a two-way street instead of a one-sided rant.
Saying something like “How did that make you feel?” gives them the opportunity to be honest and home in on naming their own emotions.
Be patient
Conflict resolution can sometimes wait. If your partner is hurting but doesn’t want answers yet, let them set the pace.
Not every conversation needs to end with a game plan, and it’s okay to move forward mindfully through longer issues and conflicts.
Know when to offer solutions
There will be times when your partner genuinely needs advice or help to solve a problem. Just ask. You can say something like, “Would you like my opinion on this?” or “How can I best support you right now?”
By asking, you allow your partner to guide the conversation and let them decide what they need in the moment. Sometimes, they may just need a listening ear; other times, they might appreciate your insights. Either way, you're giving them the power to choose.
Are you struggling to communicate with your partner?
If you and your partner have spent enough time not properly listening to one another, you may have rifts in your relationship that are hard to overcome.
A couples counselor can be the impartial medium through which you can communicate. The therapist’s office is a neutral space to discuss conflict resolution, better communication strategies, and how to get more vulnerable with each other.
To learn better ways of supporting and listening to your partner, pleaser reach out to us.