Relationships need compromise. But for people-pleasers in relationships, the balance between giving and receiving can become lopsided, leading to issues that are often difficult to address. People-pleasing can create unhealthy dynamics in relationships, especially without proper boundaries.
Here’s why setting boundaries is crucial for people-pleasers in relationships and how to get started advocating for yourself.
What is a people-pleaser?
A people-pleaser is someone who has an overwhelming need to make others happy while neglecting their own needs, desires, and boundaries in the process. This behavior usually stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection. In relationships, people-pleasers often go to great lengths to ensure their partner is content, even if it means sacrificing their own comfort.
They may agree to activities they don’t enjoy, stay silent when something bothers them, or constantly put their partner’s needs before their own. This behavior can seem selfless and caring, but can ultimately lead to resentment, burnout, and an imbalanced relationship dynamic.
Why boundaries matter in relationships
Boundaries define the line between what is acceptable and what isn’t. They protect your personal space, emotional well-being, and make sure that both partners have equal opportunities to express their needs.
For people-pleasers, boundaries might feel uncomfortable or even selfish. They’re more accustomed to prioritizing other people, so the idea of saying “no” or expressing their own needs can trigger anxiety. However, establishing boundaries is not about shutting people out or being unkind. It’s about creating a foundation of mutual respect, where both partners can thrive without feeling overwhelmed or undervalued.
Without boundaries, people-pleasers are more likely to:
Feel resentment toward their partner
Experience burnout
Feel emotionally drained by the relationship
Lose their own sense of self
When a relationship has an established set of healthy boundaries, people-pleasers will:
Feel comfortable expressing their needs and wants
Communicate with their partner better
Respect themselves as much as their partner
Feel in control of their own happiness
Develop a deeper emotional connection with their partner
How to start setting boundaries
For many people-pleasers, setting boundaries can be daunting. However, it’s important to remember that boundaries are not about pushing your partner away—the goal is to create a healthier relationship. Here are some steps people-pleasers can take to start setting boundaries in their relationships:
Identify your needs
Take time to reflect on what you need from the relationship. What makes you feel valued and respected? What behaviors or situations make you feel uncomfortable? In what ways have you been sacrificing yourself for your partner?
Communicate clearly
Once you’ve thought deeply about your own needs, have an open conversation with your partner. Use “I” statements to express how you feel without blaming your partner, such as “I feel overwhelmed when I don’t have time for myself” or “I need some time alone to recharge.” Let this be a dialogue—you should both actively listen to one another, support each other, and advocate for yourselves.
Practice saying no
Start small by turning down requests that aren’t aligned with your needs or values, and remember that it’s okay to prioritize yourself. For example, try taking one day a week to work on a new hobby alone, or make it a priority to see friends without your partner.
Do you need help setting boundaries?
If you’re a people-pleaser, setting boundaries is easier said than done. Your people-pleasing behavior may stem from deeply rooted traumas or attachment issues. Consider talking to a therapist, both with and without your partner. In couples therapy, you’ll both learn how to maintain your own identities while also deepening your intimacy.
In individual therapy, you can explore your childhood, past relationships, and traumatic experiences that contribute to your people-pleasing. You can work to relearn better communication strategies and develop healthier relationships with others.
To find out more about how intensive-couples therapy can help people-pleasers set boundaries, please reach out to us.