Marriage is a journey. Maintaining a happy, fulfilling relationship can be complex. One of the most respected approaches to nurturing strong marriages is the Gottman Method. It’s gained international recognition for its research-backed effectiveness.
Here are their seven principles and how they applying them can help you build a deeper emotional connection with your partner.
1. Enhance your love maps
The first principle of the Gottman Method is all about getting to know your partner on a deep emotional level. A “Love Map” is your understanding of their inner world, history, values, dreams, and fears. The more detailed your Love Map, the more you’ll be able to be empathetic and understanding within your relationship.
In practice, enhancing your Love Map means having meaningful conversations with your spouse. Regularly ask open-ended questions, share experiences, and check in about each other’s emotions.
2. Nurture fondness and admiration
This principle encourages couples to focus on the positive qualities in their partner and regularly show them appreciation. The Gottmans’ research shows that couples who admire and show affection for each other are much more likely to have long-lasting, satisfying partnerships.
This means making a conscious effort to express gratitude for the things you love about your partner. It could be as simple as thanking them for doing the dishes or telling them how much you admire their dedication.
3. Turn toward each other instead of away
Every day, couples make hundreds of “bids for connection”—small requests for attention, affirmation, or affection. A key finding in the Gottmans’ research is that couples who positively respond to these bids are significantly more likely to have successful relationships than those who ignore them.
To do this, be present and responsive to their needs. Listen to them vent about their day and offer a hug when they need comfort.
4. Let your partner influence you
In healthy marriages, both partners listen to each other’s opinions and make decisions together. The Gottmans’ research shows that when partners, especially men, are willing to accept influence from their spouses, they tend to have happier relationships.
Letting your partner influence you means being open to their ideas, even when you disagree, and showing flexibility in your decisions. This helps build equality rather than creating a relationship power struggle.
5. Solve your solvable problems
According to the Gottmans, there are two types of conflicts: solvable and perpetual. Solvable problems can be worked out through communication and compromise.
To solve solvable problems, couples need to use a gentle approach when bringing up their concerns, listen to each other’s feelings, and work together to find a solution that feels fair to both partners. Keeping a positive attitude, using humor, and de-escalating tension are important strategies for managing conflict.
6. Overcome gridlock
The problems that cannot be solved are perpetual. These often stem from fundamental differences in values, beliefs, or personality traits and can lead to gridlock if not handled properly.
The goal isn’t to solve these problems. Instead, find a way to manage them that allows both partners to feel respected and heard. Overcoming gridlock involves deep, compassionate conversations about the underlying dreams, desires, or fears fueling the conflict.
7. Create shared meaning
The final principle is about creating a sense of shared purpose and meaning in the relationship. Couples who develop shared values, rituals, and goals tend to have more fulfilling marriages because they’re working toward something greater than just themselves.
This could involve establishing family traditions, setting goals together, or developing a shared vision for the future.
Is the Gottman Method right for you?
Whether you’re newlyweds or are decades into your marriage, the Gottman approach to therapy can help you nurture more love in your relationship. Through this therapy, you can learn to handle life’s challenges and conflicts together.
To learn more about how the Gottman Method and marriage counseling helps couples, please reach out to us.