One of the key frameworks of the Gottman Method is the concept of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse": four communication habits that predict the breakdown of a relationship. These habits—criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—are deeply destructive if left unchecked. But recognizing and addressing these behaviors can save a relationship and even make it stronger.
1. Criticism
Criticism involves attacking your partner’s character rather than focusing on a specific issue or behavior. When you criticize, you’re not just pointing out what went wrong—you’re implying that there’s something fundamentally wrong with the person you’re criticizing. This makes a partner feel belittled, unworthy, and unheard.
Example:
“You never help around the house! You’re so lazy and inconsiderate.”
Here, the focus is on a personal flaw rather than the behavior (not helping with chores). Criticism makes it difficult for the other person to respond constructively. Instead of criticizing, try using a “gentle start-up” that focuses on the behavior and your own feelings. This leaves room for problem-solving rather than escalating conflict.
Example:
“I feel overwhelmed by the amount of housework. Could we make a plan to divide chores more evenly?”
2. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a natural response to criticism, but it can escalate conflict. When we get defensive, we deny responsibility, make excuses, or turn the blame back on our partner. This keeps the focus on winning an argument rather than a constructive dialogue.
Example:
Partner 1: “I thought we agreed you would clean the kitchen.”
Partner 2: “I’ve been working all day! You don’t understand how tired I am.”
Here, instead of acknowledging the partner’s concern, defensiveness shifts the conversation to justifying the behavior. The fix is simple: take responsibility, even for a small part of the problem. This shows willingness to engage in a collaborative conversation rather than building a wall.
Example:
“You’re right, I didn’t get to the kitchen today. I’ll do it after dinner.”
3. Contempt
Contempt is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen. It’s treating your partner with disrespect, mocking them, or using sarcasm and ridicule. Contempt goes beyond criticism—it often stems from long-standing negative thoughts about the partner and manifests in hurtful words or body language.
Example:
“Oh, you forgot to pay the bill again? You’re so irresponsible, I don’t know why I even bother.”
This kind of response attacks partner’s entire character and suggests superiority. This makes the other person feel small, insignificant, and unloved. To fix this, focus on appreciation and gratitude in your relationship. This means regularly expressing positive feelings and recognizing your partner’s efforts.
Example:
“I really appreciate how hard you work. I know things have been stressful, but let’s try to find a system that works for both of us when it comes to paying bills.”
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when one partner withdraws from a conversation or interaction, either physically or emotionally. It usually happens when someone feels overwhelmed by conflict and shuts down to avoid further confrontation. However, stonewalling sends the message that the other person’s feelings don’t matter, which creates emotional distance.
Example:
During an argument, one partner abruptly stops responding, crosses their arms, and turns away.
This kind of behavior stalls the conversation and leaves the other person feeling ignored and abandoned. To combat this, when you feel overwhelmed, instead of stonewalling, take a break to self-soothe and calm down. Try taking 20 minutes to relax before returning to the conversation. This allows both partners to regroup and approach the conversation with a clearer, calmer mindset.
Example:
“I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. Can we take a short break and talk about this in 20 minutes?”
Trying the Gottman Method
The Four Horsemen don’t have to be a death sentence for your relationship. By recognizing these behaviors and getting help, you can reverse their damage and grow into a healthier relationship. Consider trying the Gottman Method with a trained therapist today.
To learn more about couples counseling and how to address the Four Horsemen, please reach out to us.