An emotionally distant partner can be difficult to connect with. Typically, they avoid intimate conversations, conflict, and acknowledging their own feelings. All this can be frustrating in a relationship. But remember: placing the blame on your emotionally distant partner will never actually bring you closer together. It’s important to meet them where they are with empathy.
Here are a few concrete steps you can take towards connecting with your partner compassionately.
1. Reflect on yourself
Before assigning the blame for your relationship’s issues to your partner, look within yourself. Which topics trigger you? Which behaviors make you most upset? Think about where these triggers and negative feelings might be coming from.
When you understand why you feel the way you do, you can more accurately communicate with your partner about why their lack of vulnerability is so hard on you. Identifying and acknowledging your own issues also allows you to approach conversations with clearer goals in mind.
2. Practice active listening
Be sure to actively listen whenever your partner communicates with you. Give them your full attention, maintain eye contact, and avoid interrupting. Make sure when you’re having a conversation that all distractions are removed; find a comfortable place, don’t check your phone, and don’t leave the television on.
This also means asking open-ended questions when they’re done speaking. Don’t always assume you understand their meaning or what they’re “really” saying. Make sure you ask for clarification and sum up their points so you can avoid misunderstanding one another.
3. Use “I” statements
When expressing your own feelings and concerns, use “I” statements to articulate your thoughts without placing the blame on your partner. For example, don’t say “You never tell me about your feelings,” or worse, show your anger through behavior like slamming cabinets. Instead, say “I feel unheard when we don’t communicate well.” This approach shifts the focus from accusations to personal experiences.
4. Validate their feelings
Try to see where your partner is coming from. In all likelihood, their emotional distance comes from their childhood or past experiences. Validate your partner’s emotions, even if you don’t necessarily agree with their perspective.
Avoid dismissing or trivializing their concerns during your conversations. Tell them you’re working to understand where they’re coming from and that you support them if they’re going through a hard time. When they do open up, acknowledge it and let them know you see and appreciate their efforts in the relationship.
5. Be vulnerable
Your partner will have a hard time opening up if you’re also not talking about your feelings. Along with using “I” statements, be honest about your triggers and expectations for the relationship. Talk to your partner about your history and upbringing. By showing them what it looks like to be vulnerable, you set a good example for them to follow.
6. Be patient
For an emotionally distant partner, communicating intimately isn’t going to happen overnight. The two of you will have good moments followed by bad ones. This is okay! Don’t get discouraged if you’re seeing progress overall. Celebrate your partner when they hit a milestone. Be patient with yourself too—it’s okay to feel frustrated about setbacks.
Is your relationship struggling?
Not all communication issues with an emotionally distant partner can be solved on your own. If your relationship is suffering because of a lack of communication and intimacy, it’s time to talk to a therapist.
In couples therapy, a therapist can facilitate productive conversations and encourage you to be vulnerable with one another. You’ll also learn effective ways of communicating together at home. You might also consider individual therapy to work on yourselves to improve the relationship.
To find out more about how to connect with your emotionally distant partner, please reach out to us and learn more about couples therapy.