Have you ever felt frustrated about feeling sad? Or guilty about feeling angry? If so, you’ve experienced a meta-emotion—an emotion about an emotion. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist known for his work on relationships, has studied how meta-emotions factor into human interactions.
His research suggests that understanding our meta-emotions can help us become more emotionally aware and improve our ability to communicate and connect with others—especially in romantic relationships.
Understanding meta-emotions
Meta-emotions are the thoughts and feelings we have about our primary emotions. They can be positive or negative, and they shape how we process our emotional experiences. For example, feeling ashamed about feeling anxious in social situations is a meta-emotion.
The way we relate to our emotions is influenced by our early life experiences, cultural norms, and family dynamics. Some people grow up in environments where emotions are openly discussed and validated, while others might learn to suppress or judge their own emotions as unacceptable.
Gottman’s meta-emotion theory in relationships
Gottman and his research team discovered that people develop specific meta-emotion philosophies that shape how people respond to emotions. Gottman identified two primary meta-emotion styles:
Emotion coaching: People with an emotion-coaching mindset see emotions as an opportunity for learning and connection. They validate emotions, help themselves and their partners navigate difficult feelings, and use this as a way to build stronger relationships.
Emotion dismissing: Those with an emotion-dismissing mindset see feelings as a nuisance. They may ignore, downplay, or invalidate emotions. Typically, they see emotional expression as a sign of weakness.
How meta-emotions affect romantic relationships
Meta-emotions play an important role in relationships. If two partners have conflicting meta-emotion styles, it can lead to misunderstandings and unresolved tension. For example:
A person who values emotional expression may feel frustrated or hurt when their partner dismisses their feelings as irrational.
Someone who believes in suppressing emotions might feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed by a partner who wants to discuss every feeling in depth.
A couple with different emotional responses may struggle to comfort each other during stressful times, which leads to feeling isolated, unheard, and dissatisfied.
Gottman’s research shows that emotional attunement—the ability to recognize, understand, and respond to emotions in yourself and your partner—is a key factor in a relationship’s success. Couples who share an emotion-coaching approach tend to have stronger bonds, better conflict resolution skills, and deeper intimacy.
Developing emotional awareness through meta-emotions
If you want to develop a healthier relationship with emotions as a couple, here’s how to get started:
Identify your meta-emotions together
Discuss how each of you feels about emotions. Do you judge yourselves or each other for feeling certain ways? Do you validate and support one another’s emotional experiences? Start having open conversations about emotional beliefs to understand each another.
Reframe negative meta-emotions
If you tend to feel guilty, ashamed, or frustrated about your emotions, challenge those thoughts. Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” try asking yourself, “Why do I feel this way, and what is this emotion trying to tell me?” Encourage your partner to do the same.
Practice emotional validation
When your partner expresses their emotions, try to validate them rather than dismissing or problem-solving immediately. Saying “I hear you” or “That sounds really tough” can go a long way in building trust.
Communicate more
Develop a habit of checking in with each other about emotions. Rather than assuming how your partner feels, ask open-ended questions like, “How did that situation make you feel?” or “What do you need from me right now?”
Seeking couples therapy
Do you and your partner have different approaches to meta-emotions? Have your conflicts stemmed from mismatched emotional responses? If so, schedule a consultation with us today. Couples therapy can be a helpful space to explore the reasons behind your meta-emotion philosophies and resolve your longstanding conflicts.